-As the months pass in my new apartment and the weather gets colder, I feel myself going out to my balcony less and less. For that reason, I think I’m going to take up smoking cigarettes. That way, my crippling nicotine addiction will give me an excuse to head out there multiple times per day.
-Whenever I’m at self checkout, I feel like I’m in an unofficial race with everyone else. I want to be the first one to finish and let the next person go. The people on line treat you like a hero and basically throw roses at you as you leave.
-Hitting someone with a “bub” is absolutely ruthless. Someone told me yesterday that nobody cares about Survivor, so I said, “Check the ratings bub.” I may have to send his family flowers after that cold-blooded murder.
-If I ever held public office, I’d be a dictator but like a fun one. Sure I’d have a ton of propaganda supporting me and would brainwash the public. Everyone would have to plead an oath of loyalty to me and probably be executed if they didn’t support me, but we’d have a lot of fun along the way. “Tommy” chants in the public square once a week. I’d broadcast home movies from when I was a kid across all stations. I’d provide free stand-up acts to the public where everyone is “forced” to laugh. It would be a great country.
-Life itself is really just one big improv performance.
-I think it’s impressive that I have my entire credit card number, security code, and expiration date memorized. It makes online ordering a lot easier. I bet most people don’t. I’m smarter.
-Here’s a PSA. I don’t think people know that a lot of Uber drivers have profiles now where you can learn about them. I had one lady say that she collects lighthouses. What could that possibly mean? I’ve been thinking about it for 8 months.
-All things considered, iPhones are one of the bigger bargains out there. I know $1000 isn’t chump change, but it’s one of the biggest necessities in life. And you’ll likely have it for 2-3 years. Basically a dollar per day. That’s as much as an Arizona Iced Tea can. Really quite a steal.
Thank you for your time.