-I don’t think I’d ever want to be a superhero because the fact that you can’t tell anyone would just be torture. Saving the world is alright, but clout is even better. First thing I’d do is post an Instagram story of me flying and shit.
-My favorite to do when I go to a new house is to square it up the backyard for a wiffleball game and imagine the possible field in my head.
-I’m calling bullshit on the whole “no two snowflakes have ever been the same” propaganda. How would we even know that? There’s been like an infinite number of snowflakes throughout history. And they all pretty much look the same to begin with. I’m sure it’s possible that a snowflake from like 337 BC and 1972 were identical.
-I really feel like Da Baby and Lil Baby should have a summit or conference of some sort where they get together and clear up the confusion on their names. Perhaps a rap battle for the naming rights to “baby.” I get confused a lot, so this would make things a lot easier for me.
-My hair is growing out and so people are starting to comment on it. They’ll say something like “wow longer hair.” Before they can say anything else, I say “Yeah it’s looking good.” I incept their minds into thinking it’s a good look before they can form their own opinion. They think “Oh other people must be telling him it looks good, so I guess it does look good.” It’s genius.
-I called my Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor the other day (as one does) but there was a voicemail saying the office was closed and to call 9-1-1 if there was a medical emergency. That seemed unnecessary. I don't think anyone in history has ever thought, “Before I call 9-1-1, let’s just see what my Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor has to say.”
-When I was younger, one dumb thing I thought is that all comedians told true stories and that they lived the most exciting lives ever. I thought that in order to be a comedian, you need to live a crazy life, but I soon realized that wasn’t true, and in reality, you just need above average intelligence and probably crippling depression. Way more attainable.
-This is Volume 75, which reminded me of my grandpa’s 75th birthday party. We had a big dinner in Florida, and our waiter separated the food and drinks on different checks. The owner got super mad for some reason. There was a huge screaming match, and he got fired. I remember being afraid that he’d hold us responsible and murder us. Think there might have also been a solar eclipse that night. Anyway, I hope he’s doing alright.
Thank you for your time.