-On the first 60 degree day of spring, people are quick to whip out shorts and a t-shirt. But on the first 60 degree day of fall, people dress like we’re in the Arctic Circle. Fascinating humor behavior.
-Whenever I leave a note for the restaurant or driver on a food delivery app, I always feel rude. It can be something as simple as “extra ketchup packet please” and I still feel like they’ll resent me for it.
-If I’m in a car and I’m gonna get somewhere too early, I’ll actively root for traffic to slow things down. Red lights, a deadly 9 car pile up, and construction are all welcome sights.
-In the 2005 smash hit “Gold Digger,” Kanye West raps “But I'm lookin' for the one, have you seen her? My psychic told me she'll have a ass like Serena” which implies that he wants a woman with a big bottom. He has since gone on to marry Kim Kardashian, who is notorious for her large derriere. So his psychic’s prophecy has come true.
-If you ever wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or whatever it may be, it’s key to not lose that closed eye feeling. You can physically feel the tired in your eyes. Once you lose that feeling, you’re wide awake.
-One of the worst things that happens to me in life is when I think of a really good idea or joke as I’m falling asleep. Then I have to decide if it’s worthy of me opening my eyes, rolling over, and typing it into my phone. I’ve probably lost so many gems because of this.
-Society’s worst group of people is those who brag about the unique weather app they use. Just use the standard Apple Weather App and shut the fuck up.
-I went to a bagel place the other day and got a bacon, egg, and cheese that was $6. I paid with a $10 and he gave me back $9 in change. I said “Oh this is too much" and handed him back the $5 bill. I just wanted to share this story because there is no reason to do nice things if you’re not going to brag about it afterwards.
Thank you for your time.