-Every year on my grandma’s birthday, I do the same thing. I call her and say “Happy birthday Gammy. How old today? The big 4-0?" We both know she is way older than that, but it gets a laugh every single time.
-Dogs always get so mad and start barking whenever they see another dog. It’s funny to imagine a world where humans scream and curse each other out every time another human simply passes them on the street.
-I don’t understand why we only use vodka sauce on penne, maybe occasionally rigatoni. How did they come to corner the vodka sauce market? I had vodka sauce on spaghetti the other day and it was downright delicious. I won’t be controlled by big pasta any longer.
-I don’t like making bets that involve something other than money. Like I’d never make an eyebrow shave bet over a game of Madden or something. The fuck do I care if you have to shave your eyebrows for? That brings no enjoyment to me. The only option for me is misery and bare skin above my eyes.
-I detest when someone gives me a recommendation to do something. I then feel immense pressure to do it and they get so disappointed if I don’t. It’s honestly kind of rude to give someone a recommendation.
-Whenever I’m walking fast and passing people on the street, I always feel like I’m better than them the moment I briskly walk by.
-I recently got a package at my door addressed to someone named Shelby. Given that we’re three 24-year-old males, there was clearly a mistake. So I brought it down to our front desk and said it was the wrong person. About a half hour later, I got a call from the lobby saying, “We noticed that there’s actually three people who live in your apartment. Did you check if it could be for your roommates?” As if that wouldn't be the fucking first thing I thought of? Like “Oh of course! My roommate Shelby! How could I forget?” That whole thing annoyed me.
-Any time I have a typo and get called out on it, I always have the same excuse lined up. “My mind just moves too fast for my fingers.” I go from looking dumb to genius just like that.
Audience Thought Of The Week
DM your thoughts to @tomscibelli on Twitter/Instagram
From @mattsalandra on Instagram
-When people say the phrase "through thick and thin," which one is good and which one is bad?
Thank you for your time.