-A death row chef has never had a repeat customer
-One of the most raw, animalistic things we do as people is looking in the car of someone who’s driving badly to see what they look like, just so we know exactly who to hate and wish death upon.
-Asking someone “How was your flight?” is pointless. Nobody can ever say “Oh I had such a terrible flight” and mean it because if it was really that bad of a flight, they’d be dead. If I’m speaking to you, that means I landed and so the flight was “good enough.”
-You have to wonder what type of guys are going to get their penises measured to give us an average penis size. Conventional wisdom would say guys with bigger penises would do it because they’re not embarrassed and want to show off. But galaxy brain would say that guys with small penises go get measured so that they can bring down the world average and make themselves look better in comparison.
-You officially become old when you like the taste of unsweetened iced tea.
-I feel like we’ve kind of moved on from poems as a society. In school, any poems we studied were always super old, it was never anything modern. It seems the only criteria for a good poem is to be like 200 years old.
-A good way to make someone uncomfortable is to randomly gaze out in the distance and say, “It’s all going according to plan.”
-Wishing someone a happy birthday when it’s not their birthday is still a nice gesture. The person should be honored that if it was their actual birthday, you thought of them and wished them well. They could be upset that you forgot when their birthday is, but as long as you wish them a happy birthday again on their real birthday, you should be fine. So if you ever want brownie points with someone, just randomly text them “happy birthday” and then apologize for the misunderstanding.
Thank you for your time.