Tommy's Thursday Thoughts: What I Feel Strongest About From Vol. 50-74
We are somehow already halfway through 2020. In honor of our halfway point, I have decided to look back at my 25 volumes of thoughts from this year and highlights the thoughts I feel strongest about. I would not call this a "best of" because I don't know how you define a "best thought." But this is the one thought (sometimes two) from each volume that I really go to bed thinking about.
-I wonder who the first person to swim was. Just saw a giant body of water, thought “Ah fuck it, I’ll figure it out” and went right in.
-I think using “Price Is Right rules” when guessing something is dumb. Whoever is closest wins. It doesn’t matter if you go over. Why is going over worse than going under? I refuse to partake in anything that uses Price Is Right rules and that is a hill I will die on.
-When I’m at a fast food place or coffee shop, and I see the workers laughing together behind-the-counter, I like to also have a smile on my face when I get up there to order. I don’t want to be stone faced and be a vibe killer, but I also don’t want to laugh too much since I’m not in on it. It’s the perfect amount of smile that says “Yeah I’m a fun guy” but also “I’d really like my order taken.”
-Credit card machines should not give you the option to swipe or insert your card if they’re just going to tell you “Card Must Be Inserted” after swiping it. I prefer inserting it anyway, but sometimes I like to swipe just so I can call the machines out on their hypocritical bullshit.
-Here’s some general life advice: in any situation, always choose an option that’s not the best to assure that you don’t get stuck with the worst. For example, freshman year of college, there was a bunk bed and then a bed on its own. When discussing who would get what, I quickly volunteered for the bottom bunk. I really did not want the top bunk. I didn’t really care about having the solo bed. So volunteering for the bottom bunk may have seemed like I was making some sort of sacrifice, but in reality I was just looking out for myself. Another scenario - if you’re going on a road trip with a full car, most will fight over shotgun, while you should focus on just taking a back corner seat to assure you don’t get stuck riding bitch in the middle. Little things like this go a long way in life.
-It’s probably extremely difficult for actual Nigerian princes to ever send emails.
-I hate when a place says that they’re “conveniently located” somewhere. Who are they to say what’s convenient for me? Sure if it’s right next door to me, then that’s awfully convenient. But if I have to hop on a subway, maybe transfer somewhere, hop on another subway, then walk another 5-10 minutes until I arrive, then that’s just not convenient for me.
-Do people that play Hitler in a movie or TV show have to always walk around with the Hitler-style mustache while filming is going on? Must make trips to grab a morning coffee quite awkward.
-The main reason my room gets messy is because I don’t know what to do with once-worn clothes that can be used again. Shirts, underwear, and socks are all one use, then go in the hamper. But what about a pair of jeans or a hoodie that I’ve only worn once? Or maybe a lounge shirt that I only had on for a couple of hours. I can certainly wear those again. I don’t want to put them back with my clean clothes, but they’re also not ready for the hamper. So I just put them all in miscellaneous places around my room, leading to quite the mess.
-One of my best qualities is being the appetizer guy for the table. I’ve said before that being the one to order the appetizers is a power move, but I’m also the one that says “okay so let’s figure out the appies” as soon as we sit down. Once that’s out of the way, people can focus on their main course. I can be a bit of a pest, but it’s a necessary evil.
-If you have ever unironically used the phrase, “I was born in the wrong generation” then there is a 100% chance that I hate you.
-I was at Starbucks last week before the whole world shut down, and I made a major blunder. I’ve said before that I think it’s a power move to pretend to not know the sizes at Starbucks and just say “small, medium, large.” I ordered a large pike. I heard the cashier yell back “one grande pike please.” Knowing full well that a grande is actually a medium, I had to speak up and say “I had a large, venti actually.” And just like that, years of work went down the drain and I was exposed as a fraud who actually knows the sizes. Maybe they’ll forget about it by the time I finally go back.
-A nationwide lockdown is probably a pretty good time to be on house arrest. Conversely, it must be an absolutely awful time to get off house arrest.
-Someone with a tear drop tattoo would probably have a real tough time pleading innocence on a murder trial.
-If I ever end up on death row and get my last meal, I think I’ll leave a little food and ask if I can get a to-go box. That should get a laugh.
-In society, we often hear the terms “half brother” or “half sister.” But we never hear the terms “half son” or “half daughter” even though scientifically speaking, every time you have a kid it’s technically your “half child.”
-I feel like we hype up tropical islands a little too much. For a vacation spot? Sure. But people who dream about going away and living there? Pass. Probably shoddy internet. Limited food options. No GrubHub. You’d have to catch your own fish and shit. Can’t go out to bars and games with friends. Honestly kind of sounds like a nightmare.
-There was nothing like the sheer anxiety of a desk switch in elementary school. As someone who hates change, I dreaded these days. Would I be stuck in the front? Will I be a near friend? What will our group chemistry be like? Very stressful.
-I think we need to come up with a better game plan for asteroids. It seems like all we do is say “Yeah looks like this one should probably miss us” and then hope for the best.
-This has to be the only time in history where a bank teller feels safer when someone walks in with a mask on.
-Free joke for your next Zoom meeting. If there’s an awkward topic that you want to bring up, say “Alright so let’s address the elephant in the Zoom.” Then turn your volume down or the laughter will burst your computer’s speakers.
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-It has always irrationally angered me that no word rhymes with orange. I hate that it gets to strut its ass around and brag about not having a rhyme. My life goal is to one day get a word in the dictionary that rhymes with it. It’s definition could just be: Blorange- “the word that rhymes with orange.” It would strictly exist to spite the word orange.
-I never understand when accounts run contests to offer a prize to a certain milestone follower. For example, “Our 100,00th follower will get a free t-shirt.” If you're at like 90,0000, then this should not incentivize anyone to follow you. Why would I ever follow you before you’re over 99,000? In theory, this method should never help you gain followers, and it confuses me.
-As a rule of thumb in life, anyone who refers to a piece of art and says “This speaks to me” is someone I do not want speaking to me.
-One of life’s most exhilarating moments is setting up a clock to match up exactly with the right time. I matched up our stove and microwave clocks the other day and have been chasing that high ever since.
-I feel like there’s an inverse relationship between how often your mom calls you handsome and how handsome you actually are. Average guys get it a lot. But like Leonardo DiCaprio? I think it’d be weird if his mom was always saying “Oh my boy is so handsome.” Like no shit, mom, I’m fucking Leonardo DiCaprio.
-There’s a meme that sometimes goes around saying how it’s “soooo mind blowing that 77 + 33 does not equal 100.” Well if you think that, you’re a fucking idiot. That’s just not how math works and it’s honestly embarrassing if you can’t wrap your little pea brain around that. I’m sorry for the aggression but this just really bothers me for some reason.
-There’s a popular saying that goes “Not all heroes wear capes.” But in real life, I would say that absolutely no hero has ever worn a cape. It’s quite the opposite. In fact, if I saw someone on the street with a cape on, I would immediately head in the opposite direction and probably contact the local authorities.
To keep up with all thoughts, please follow on Twitter/Instagram @tomscibelli or TikTok @tommysmokes
Thank you for your time.