-If I ever end up on death row and get my last meal, I think I’ll leave a little food and ask if I can get a to-go box. That should get a laugh.
-In society, we often hear the terms “half brother” or “half sister.” But we never hear the terms “half son” or “half daughter” even though scientifically speaking, every time you have a kid it’s technically your “half child.”
-The happiest group of people in the world is anyone on a game show.
-One of my roommates has an annoying habit of always leaving the toilet seat AND cover down. Leaving the seat down is fine. But leaving down the cover too just makes no sense. It just makes the toilet completely non-functional. I couldn’t think of how to bring up this complaint, so I decided to tell him this way, as he records this video of me.
-If you’re going to type out an all caps “LOL” then you have to be at least 40 years old. Those are the rules.
-Word of advice: never make a song your alarm clock. In high school and college, my alarm was the song “YOLO” by The Lonely Island featuring Kendrick Lamar and Adam Levine. From now on, whenever I hear the start of the song, I get instant PTSD and think I have to wake up for something. It’s ruined forever.
-Teddy Grahams are a lot like animal crackers … bad.
-I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing a movie or a TV show. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. But also, I really just want to walk around my apartment all day in pajama pants and glasses with a coffee mug and tell everyone that I’m “working on my screenplay.” That’ll be real cool.
-Alright I think it’s about time we address the elephant in the room. We’re all thinking it. I’ll just say it. Yes. I am growing a goatee.
Thank you for your time.