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Longtime Toolies: Saturdays Are For Mowing The Mother F'n Grass

For my entire adult life, I haven't given a shit about my grass. My first house with grass was in Okinawa. The base gardeners mowed the grass there so I didn't have to. Id always look out of the window and think that grass was the biggest waste of time and resources on base. Who cares about it? Toss down some artificial turf and never water that shit again. I had the same thought at my small townhouse in Virginia. That yard small enough where I could mow essentially everything with just a weed eater. On and on and on. Each house Id moved in to, I didnt care about the grass. I just mowed it or had someone mow it so that I wouldnt get fined by the HOA. 

A few months ago, I moved into a new house with a great backyard. For the first few weeks, I had a lawn service and watched them tinker about in my yard but my feelings started to change. 

Recently, something deep within my soul lit up. It was a fire that couldn't be extinguished. 

Fast forward to now and I've decided to make some changes. Big grass changes. 

I'm reading grass blogs. 

I'm watching videos about how dudes AND LADIES put lines in their grass. 

I'm learning about filling in the gaps. 

I'm learning about the proper height of grass cutting. 

I'm learning about something called dethatching which is fucking wild. I had no idea you needed to pull the dead grass from the bottom of the grass. 

I'm learning about putting sand in your grass. 

Basically, I'm learning. 

Yesterday, I picked up a new mower. NBD but it's all-wheel drive, personal pace ready, and equipped for mulching or bagging. This bad boy has bigger tires in the back and a one-pull start. I mowed my grass with it yesterday. I stood there afterward with a lemonade in hand, sweaty, hot, and ready to take this thing to a new level. Im ready to have the best grass on the street. Im ready to go to the store and know exactly which fertilizer I need without talking to Bob in the Gardening section. No offense to Bob. He's a nice dude but I don't need him anymore or at least I don't want to need him anymore. 

All I need is dry grass, my trusty mower, and time. I videoed this process. It'll be out next week. 

Sharpen the blades, boys. We're gonna be kickin over these small engines and filling the summer air with the sounds of lawn clipping flying everywhere just like cum used to. I'm headed back to podfathers with a mower in hand. It's about time.