Before we begin, I dont hate all of my neighbors. In fact, many of them are delightful. My neighbors across the street are lovely folks who love to fish and occasionally toss me a beer as I'm sauntering to the mailbox to see if any more Vermont-made syrup has arrived.
My neighbors down the street are great too. Ole Brad is a former baseball player at one of the Lousianna schools with a hyphen. I think it's Monroe but it's impossible to know for sure. She also played softball at the same school and now they own a pet grooming business with an adorable name (Hoff Hounds). I love it when dogs are called hounds. Why? Probably because of the underrated classic known as The Fox and The Hound.
Adorable! Howl, Copper! Howl!
Anyway, I hate my next door neighbor. He's a piece of shit. I don't give a fuck about fireworks. Shoot em off. Do whatever. But, can we have a modicum of common sense when it comes to firing them off in Texas in the heat of the heat which has dried the fuck out of everything that doesn't sit on top of a sprinkler system? This dude was launching bottle rockets into the green belt like it was Bagdad on March 21st, 2003. For those keeping score at home, that was 17.5 years ago and we are still combat-goofin over there. Ridiculous. That's a story for another time though. Back to the fat fuck neighbor.
"Chaps! Chaps! It's 2020 and we dont fat shame anymore."
That's usually true but fuck this fat ass.
"Why? What happened, you chubby-ass washed-up pussy?"
Rude, but allow me to explain.
My wife asked him to shoot 4th of July fireworks in the street which is made of non-flammable rocks rather than the highly flammable, dry trees that are directly behind our fence which caught on fire 3 years ago because of the SAME FUCKING THING.
I hate this guy. I never want to see his face so I built this wall and Im thinking about making him pay for it.
ICYMI: NOT A DILDO (unlike my neighbor who is a dildo)
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