It's one of those words that starts to lose meaning the more you say it aloud.
Fat Old Tree.
I used to think one of the most flattering things you could say about another guy was, "I bet he has a meaty cock.", and I never meant it in a gay-man-admiring-another-man's-cock-way. I just meant that whoever the subject of my flattery was, he possessed an air of confidence that is often seen in men who had nothing to be ashamed of below the belt.
I think the opposite is also true... If you happen to be one of the millions of men who suffer from micro-penis, the impending shame and embarrassment that lies around every corner probably impact your life in a way where you never take the chances (and therefore never obtain the same successes) like that aforementioned guy with the huge hog.
I never put this idea down on paper because
1) I never felt too strongly about it.
2) There was a certain inherent sexism to it that wasn't easily remedied by replacing the metaphorically meaty "cock" with an equally meaty "vagina"... Meaty vaginas don't scream "confidence" or "success." They scream "glandular condition."
And 3) The one or two times I have used the "meaty cock" reference in mixed company, it has always gone over like a lead balloon.
Someone else - You hear about that male nurse who worked 16-hour shifts for 2 months straight throughout this quarantine?
Me - Yeah... I bet that guy has a meaty cock.
That same someone else - Our kids shouldn't play together anymore.
It just never goes over well, so I gave up on it.
Speaking of anatomical terms, I tried another one out for size not too long ago that I thought for sure would have some legs, and surprisingly, it never took off.
It was around the time everyone was talking about "big dick energy" (or BDE).
I can't remember why the term big dick energy showed up in our so-called "culture's" lexicon for a brief cup of coffee, but it did. And I think I was a little resentful of it because it mirrored my "meaty cock" sentiment, but, apparently, in a way that was more palatable and downright catchy.
However, my animosity for BDE's success soon waned because as discussions of the term flashed around Barstool's office, I remember at least 1 or 2 of the female employees commenting that little-old-me was one of the male employees with the most big dick energy... Actually, the term "most big dick energy" is grammatically incorrect, so I should say that I remember at least 1 or 2 of the female employees commenting that I was one of the male employees with the biggest dick energy, and it made me feel good.
Not only good but downright meaty.
But similar to meaty cock, I remember BDE being somewhat sexist... Sure, you could say that some ballsy broad had a ton of big dick energy in the same way you could say she has a meaty cock and/or vagina. Still, I think the specificity of the male genital reference really pigeonholes either of those terms to be better (if not exclusively) used when describing men. And again, big vagina energy has more of a sci-fi feel than anything else, so the "D" could never simply be replaced with a "V."
I thought I had the answer though.
And I wrote a blog about it.
Perfect Nipple Confidence did not see gender, nor color, nor creed... It was fucking universal.
And similar to the swagger one might get from possessing a big and meaty dick; one could also derive some hardihood knowing that either he OR SHE was walking around with two perfect nipples under their shirt.
But alas... PNC never took off.
I tried to push it in conversation, on radio, and in all of the many insanely popular podcasts I contribute to for a couple of weeks, but nobody was with me.
In retrospect, I am not angry about it... Just disappointed.
I kinda wanted to be the originator of a trite little saying that swept the nation, and I thought for sure Perfect Nipple Confidence woulda been the way to get me there, but I was dead wrong.
But am I giving up?... Oh no, I am not.
I think I have another.
And this one is a can't miss.
I used the term "pigeonhole" a few paragraphs ago, and I don't think any of the three people still reading this blog batted an eye.
That's because the term has a universal familiarity.
Pigeonhole is a transitive verb meaning "To assign to an often restrictive category or classify."
The word itself is easily understood and simple to use.
Example: I don't want to pigeonhole all Irish people as filthy drunks... But they are doing a pretty good job of it on their own.
There is another definition of the word... One that is less used.
Pigeonhole is also a noun meaning "A small recess for a domestic pigeon to nest in."
Example: The ventilation groove on the side of that building makes a perfect pigeonhole for city birds.
Why the vocabulary lesson, you ask?
Well, unless you're Irish, you probably remember that the reason I said I was writing this blog was because of my frustration in being unable to coin a term that could catch-on with our modern culture's lexicon.
That is why I am proposing a THIRD definition for the word pigeonhole... Actually, a third AND fourth definition.
First off... The new third definition - Pigeonhole as yet another noun meaning "The crease formed between the back of one's calf and the back of one's thigh when the knee is bent at least 90 degrees or more."
example: Sitting naked in this Ukrainian all-male hot sauna has caused the sweat from my pigeonhole to drip directly onto my heel.
And now, definition number 4 - Pigeonhole as yet another verb meaning "When a male has sex with the back of someone else's knee."
example: Since we are saving ourselves for marriage, my fiancé only lets me pigeonhole her... (Plus anal on my birthday.)
What do you think?
And before some weirdo writes a letter, we can tweak the definition however the SJWs please to make it inclusive of ANY gender people may assign themselves to on any given day.
Proud lesbians can mount female pigeonholes with whatever implement floats your sapphic boat.
Gay guys can take turns hammering away at each other's pigeonholes in their impeccably decorated Chelsea apartments.
Married women can pretend to be proud lesbians and give it a go.
Married men can identify as whomever-the-fuck they want and then stick whatever-the-fuck they want wherever-the-fuck they want.
The only 2 rules are as follows:
1) Even though every individual with working knees, regardless of gender, has at least one pigeonhole, ONLY THOSE ABOVE THE AGE OF 18 may take part in this newest definition of the verb.
I know this may seem like it goes without saying, but even excluding the obvious pedophilic repercussions, a 15-year-old pigeonhole can often be indistinguishable from one that is twice its age. So, when in doubt, you should ask for at least 2 (two) forms of Government-issued ID before you try to fuck someone behind their knee.
2) Pigeonholing may seem safe and innocent, but that doesn't mean it can be done without consent from BOTH parties involved (the pigeonholer AND the pigeonholee).
Again... I know this too may seem like it goes without saying, but if you have a roommate who is both a heavy sleeper AND who sleeps in the fetal position, you may be tempted to visit their flesh-fold teepee without them knowing... Don't do it.
At this point in the blog, I want to ask your honest opinion.
Am I out of my fucking mind, or do you agree that this could very well catch on and become the next Scissoring, Golden Shower, Figging, Pegging, Docking, Edging, Dirty Sanchez, or maybe even (dare I say it) Gluck-Gluck?
Why the fuck not, right?
I reported 2 stories last month that were totally unrelated until they weren't... There was a kid in London who shoved 20 or so of those tiny magnetic balls up into the hole in his penis (or meatus, for those who read), and he had to be rushed to the hospital as the metal balls began to rust inside of his dick.
Then, that same week, some gentleman in India also required a hospital visit to have a phone charger cord removed from his piss pipe (or urethra, for those who don't like the word "piss pipe")... The story had a corresponding picture of the recently yanked out and blood-soaked chord laying in one of those kidney-shaped aluminum collection trays you often see doctors drop bloody bullets into in John Wick movies.
As I was telling the accounts of both of these gentlemen on the radio, one of the people I work with casually said to me, "Oh... They were 'sounding'."
To which I answered back (hopefully, what you are all also wondering), "What the fuck does 'sounding' mean?"
And then, this person went on to tell me how sounders derive pleasure by inserting objects into their super-sensitive urethras (or piss pipes for cool kids).
You can read all about sounding here if you have enough time on your hands after this abnormally long blog.
And I said "one of the people I work with" only because I wasn't sure if Pat would want people to know that is was him that was eerily familiar with this practice, and we all know how important it is to protect anonymity nowadays.
Man... I was not expecting to fall down such a rabbit hole on this one... Which leads me to my next two new terms.
1) Rabbit hole (noun) - The crease formed between the forearm and the bicep.
2) Rabbit hole (verb) - When an individual has sex with the crease formed between the forearm and the bicep.
See what I did there?
I knew that even though pigeonholing is both sexual-satisfying AND all-inclusive, there would be at least two detractors...
1) People who would not want to go through the laborious process of removing their partner's pants to give said partner a good old fashioned pigeonholing... We'll call them "lazies."
And 2) People with no legs.
The more I think about it, this implies a third detractor that combines the first two I just mentioned so that I will add another right here - 3) Lazy people with no legs... We'll call them "Leuitenant Dans."
Therefore, in order to please everyone, I came up with the rabbit hole.
It's easier, EVEN MORE inclusive, and I think it would probably make cleanup afterward a snap.
And I know what you're saying...
"What about people with no arms OR legs, Large?
And to that, I would answer...
"I am working on it, but in the meantime, a consensual blowjob seems like a suitable option."
I think that's all I have for now.
Please let me know if you think I should try to escalate this, or if I am barking up the wrong tree.
I am saving "barking up the wrong tree" strictly for married, bald, overweight, and heterosexual Irish males who attempt to pigeonhole their wives in a drunken stupor when she was only down for a quick rabbit-holing.
"WHOOPS!... Sorry, honey."
Take a report.
I put a small clip from Twisted History up top from the Joe Kennedy episode, just because I thought it would be scandalous to shit on "American Royalty" during July 4th weekend.
You can peruse the rest of Twisted History here…