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"Sometimes the best offense is jerking off a horny hippo with your fat feet."

Morning and Happy Fourth.

First, the “facts”... (and I will get to the reason for quotations around the word facts later on in the blog)

I recently read a news story out of Asheboro, NC, that I found interesting. 

A North Carolina Zoo is being sued after a woman claims she was sexually assaulted by a hippopotamus that had escaped the zoo for only a few hours yesterday.

The large semiaquatic mammal apparently was able to slip out of its enclosure last night after massive flooding and a fallen tree severely damaged the security fence.

Clementine Gibbons, 64, is suing the zoo’s administration after she claims she was sexually assaulted by the huge beast after she was returning home that night.

“At first, I could not believe what I saw. I was terrified,” she told reporters.

“It ran towards me, pushed me to the ground, and just jumped on me, grunting,” she recalls, visibly still traumatized.

“All I remember is trying to dodge its large erect penis and giant testicles from rubbing onto my face,” she added, horrified.

Gibbins says the 2,800-pound animal finally ejaculated after she tried rubbing his penis with her feet and eventually left her alone.

Asheboro locals first tried to capture the massive 1.4-ton semiaquatic mammal before zoo staff finally intervened.

Helena Cozumel, professor of biology at the University of North Carolina, believes Gibbins is lucky to be alive after only suffering from multiple fractured ribs and a slight concussion, according to doctors.

“We are talking about a 1.4-ton mammal trying to mate with a woman who weighs approximately 400 pounds. She is simply lucky to be alive,” she told reporters.

“He possibly mistook her for a small female hippopotamus because it was dark and was extremely sexually aroused because of all that time spent alone in captivity,” she explains.

“If she had not had the cunningness to rub his penis with her feet and make him ejaculate on her breasts, who knows where she would be right now?” she added.

No North Carolina Zoo official has yet commented upon the lawsuit, but a park spokesman told reporters the “complaint is being dealt with extremely seriously” and that “security issues are a main priority” at the moment.

Right. 

So imagine having to blog about something like this in our current social climate?

How the fuck could you go beyond just reporting the simple facts without injecting some sort of opinion (or maybe even a little levity) without offending DOZENS of sensitive interest groups. 

I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

And yet... I will give it a whirl.

First off, what is she suing for exactly?

Dry cleaning?

Secondly, when you first read how that big sweaty beast came all over that poor husky girl’s blouse, didn’t you automatically think back to the Monica Lewinsky scandal?

No?

Okay... Moving on. 

Thirdly, I don’t know what color the woman was/is.  For that matter, I am not entirely sure what race the hippo was either... You see, that’s because I don’t see color. 

However, I can still be mildly zoologically racist when I say that I would expect this behavior out of a rhino... Not some innocent God-fearing hippo. 

And once I successfully side-stepped any racist accusations, then I would have to gently dance around the pro-bestiality crowd who might argue that the 400-pound lassie in question might have been wearing something provocative (we can assume it was at least tight-fitting), therefore she was essentially asking for “it”... And by “it” I mean “hippopotamus semen." 

Also, you know feminists would be up in arms... And rightfully so.  Claims of sexual abuse, no matter how bizarre, deserve to be treated with respect, and (without sounding like that Lena Dunham clam) I tend to believe women.  

Sure there are instances like Tawana Brawley or Nikki Yovino, where some legitimately crazy bitch tries to ruin the lives of her alleged assailants by falsely crying, “Rape!”  But those false claims are outliers and happen far less often than the thousands of actual rapes that occur worldwide every fucking day by the scummiest of men. 

However... This claim does smell a little fishy (and I think I mean that literally). 

I mean, come on, let’s go through this alleged ordeal one more time...

A zoftig young lady is walking home one night in suburban North Carolina, when, out of nowhere, she wound up confronted by a sexed-up 2,800 pound escaped hippopotamus who proceeds to rub his assumedly enormous cock and balls on her face.  That is until her innate survival instinct kicks in, and she avoids a stretched larynx (or worse) by deftly jerking off the huge beast with her meaty feet until it finally finished all over her tits and, I guess, ran away without ever calling her. 

Don’t take this the wrong way, but that is almost too good to be true, no?

A randy old hound dog that tries to hump her leg?...  Certainly. 

An adult donkey that jumped the fence and just needed to get the poison out?... Maybe. 

But a 1.4-ton hippo who is chubby chasing on the streets of Asheboro?... I smell a rat. 

So I did a little digging, and I am proud to report that...

...THIS STORY IS NOT TRUE!

I know.  I am just as surprised as you. 

Snopes tackled this urban myth when the exact same set of circumstances (right down to the 400-pound victim and hippo full-release foot-job) were reported years ago... Only then they claimed the animal blew his load all over a Rubenesque young mademoiselle on the late-night streets of Paris. 

And although I read about the copycat NC lady in some other on-line news outlet I never heard, Snopes was quick to point out the story seems to have originated in the pages of The World News Daily Report which is a well-known purveyor of fake news that has a long history of publishing misinformation with an apparent fascination towards bestiality. 

In addition to this hippopotamus story, they’ve previously published stories about zookeepers attempting to molest gorillas, another zoo employee attempting to rape an alligator, an octopus sexually assaulting an aquarium worker, and a koala brothel in Australia.

All of those headlines are sexy as hell, but, again, too good to be true... Even though koalas are dicks. 

Plus... How do you rape an alligator?

(I guess the easy answer is, “Very carefully.”)

But all my concern over how to report this made-up crime of passion is now moot because it didn’t really happen.  It was all made up by an outlet that is known to carry satirical and silly stories all for the purpose of getting a cheap laugh. 

So all the pressure is off of me because (luckily) no matter what I write, it will all be ultimately looked upon as just a joke, and we all know that everyone can take a joke nowadays, right?

Fuck. 

Take a report. 

-Large


I attached a small clip up top from the Bestiality episode of Twisted History… You can find that and the rest of them here.