Happy Bent Day everybody! I'm honored to share the same birthday as Kevin Durant, Calvin Johnson, Tyler The Creator, and the true king of the Barstool, Tyler O'Day. 24 years and 9 months ago, my parents fucked after the Steelers beat the Cowboys in Super Bowl 30. 9 months later, a Super Bent baby was born. If you ask anyone that I grew up with, they would tell you I was always a goofy guy. At the same time though, I always had a dream of working behind the scenes in the sports industry. Even though Barstool Sports has "Sports" in its name, this is an industry and company I never imagined I'd be working in. It surely isn't a job I take for granted either.
Since I have nothing to look forward to until I turn 40 and get my prostate exam, I thought turning 24 during quarantine was the perfect time to reflect on what I've learned from working at the greatest media company in the world.
24. Just Because You Work At Barstool Doesn't Mean You Get Laid
Unless you're Dave, KFC, Big Cat, KMarko, Feits, Nate, Chaps, Liz, Kayce, Trent, Ria, Hubbs, Kate, Carrabis, PFT, $20 Chef, Alex, Bailey, Big Ev, Big T, Billy Football, Blackjack, Brandon Newman, Brandon Walker, Caleb, Cons, Carl, Chef Donny, Chief, Clem, Coley, Dallas Braden, Dana B, Dante, Deion Sanders, Devlin, Eddie, Fran, Frank The Tank, Frankie, Pat, Gillie, Glenny, Greenie, Grinelli, Hank, the Hard Factor Boys, Jack Mac, Jake Marsh, Jeff Lowe, Jerry Thornton, Jim, Joey, Jordie, KB, Kenjac, Kirk, Large, Lil Sasquatch, Marina, Mush, Milmore, Nick, Ohio's Tate, One Month Trial Ethan, Paul, RDT, Reags, Real Admiral, Rico, Riggs, Robbie, Rone, Sam's Army, Smitty, Steven Cheah, Taylor Lewan, Wonton Don, Tommy, Troops, Trysta, Vibbs, Vindog, Wallo, Wayne Jetski, WSD, Will Compton, YP, or Zah, it's quite difficult to get laid.
23. New York Is The Most Disgusting City Ever
You hear it from everyone, but it's true. NYC is a trash land filled with great opportunities. If you can get past the smell of the garbage/shit laying around the sidewalks, all of the characters you find in Grand Theft Auto 4 roaming around, and the price for a gallon of milk (damn near $4), then you can make it anywhere. Even though this city sucks, they do have one thing going for them...
22. New York Has The Best Pizza
Being from Indiana where Hoosiers worship pizza joints like Papa Johns, Dominos, and Hungry Howies, I always thought pizza was the most bland food on earth. That was until I moved to NYC and had classics like John's of Bleecker, Joes, and Sauce. Those are just a few places that serve the best kind of pizza you can find in America. As the kids say, pizza in NYC is "straight fire" (fire emoji).
21. Large Is Like A Father To Me
Since the first day I met Large, he's been nothing but a father figure to me. He stops and checks on not only met but everyone he sees in the office, he makes sure he can get a laugh out of you, and has given me great advice. It means more than he knows because I didn't have the perfect father growing up. He also took me to lose my soup virginity not too long ago. His wife and kids are amazing and I'm proud to call Large a coworker and mentor. Anyone who gets to meet Large is a very lucky person.
20. Lisa Ann Is Like A Mother To Me
I've watched and read all about Lisa Ann being a Mother figure throughout most of my high school and college career. Meeting Lisa last summer was a child's dream come true. Everyone that brings up Lisa Ann always asks me questions like "Bro did you get lucky? How does she smell good? How big are her boobs?" They always get underwhelmed when I say the same answer "Lisa is one of the most polite, genuine, and intelligent celebrities I've ever met. She's a great person and is truly like a mother I've never had. Sex with.
19. Gay Pat Has The Best Stroke In The Office
Even though I classify myself as the greatest non professional shooter on the court, Pat is no question the best basketball player in the office. I still think I'm the best shooter in the office, but Pat vs I in a shooting competition is like Tyler Herro and Duncan Robinson battling each other in a 3 point contest. He beat me in an unreleased episode of BENT that went down to the last letter. All I'm saying is if Pat and I are on the same rec league team, it's going to be a nightmare for anyone that goes up against us.
18. The 3 Keys To Succeeding At Barstool
Branding, niche, and consistency are the 3 keys to not only succeeding here, but making a name for yourself. Unfortunately for me, I'm still trying to figure out my niche. I would definitely say branding myself as BENT has helped people recognize me and Barstool, but it's nothing like the phenomenal job Foreplay, Call Her Daddy, and other podcasts have done. It sucks because I like doing a variety of things like blogging, man on the street, streaming with Smitty on Gametime, etc. I just haven't found that one thing that people will really know me for and it drives me insane everyday. I truly thought BENT was going to be it. It was a series I actually enjoyed and was something that felt natural and I didn't have to try hard to be funny. All we can do is keep working and it will come eventually
17. Zah Is The Coolest Human Being Alive
Don't get me wrong, there's many genuine people in this world! I've just never met anyone as unique as Zah. One of the coolest and hardest working employees I've ever met. He gets up at 4:30 am everyday, fist bumps everyone, and has an aura that instantly brightens up your day. He doesn't complain about anything and doesn't ask for anything. The only negative thing I have to say about him was he stole this girl I was talking to down in Florida last year during the weekend of Gasparilla. This chick was twerking on him and shit. I have the video but have a feeling he doesn't want it released. If you ever bump into me and want to see Zah get worked on, I got you covered.
16. Jack Mack's Body Odor Is Astonishing
There's been a lot of conspiracies here in the office. Booger Gate, stolen merchandise, but the most important conspiracy is the smell of Jack Mac. One of the first things I was told when I started working here was "Don't walk by Jack Mac unless you have a gas mask". I was very confused until I shook his hand and inhaled a smell that I've never experienced in my life. This wasn't just a one time occasion either. While people give Jack Mac shit for the way he smells, I say let him fucking be. He probably has some BO from pumping out 10 blogs a day and from being one of the most consistent bloggers in the company. If the man wants to smell like fish tacos, let him do his thing. Jack Mac is a gem and I'm happy to call him a coworker.
15. Don't Burn Bridges
I have done this twice in my 2 years. The first one was back in 2018 when I was still a ball boy for the Colts. I worked the Colts vs Jets game where we lost to the Jets. I blogged about my experience the next day and called the Colts "The Dolts" because we were like 1-5 at the time. I lost my ball boy privileges but thankfully still have a good relationship with the guys I worked with. They understood I was trying to be funny, but they also understood I can't be funny and professional when working in the NFL. Calling them "The Dolts" led them to the playoffs so I still deserve credit for motivating this team.
The second mistake I made was creating this Brandon Walker impersonation video.
Big Cat said on radio one day that he was going to ask me to make a video impersonating Brandon Walker for his birthday. He then told me to not make it because he had another idea for KB and Nick to create. I still created the video and showed him it. He told me to hold off on it and I didn't listen to him. I posted it. I posted it because I let the pressure of not making any kind of content during quarantine get to my head. It was an arrogant decision that went behind Big Cat's back. It was a terrible mistake I chose and it's nothing but my fault. Big Cat was there for me the first day I won Barstool Idol and I have a feeling I'll never get that relationship back. Never burn bridges and when someone tells you not to post a video even if you feel confident, don't. Hopefully this lesson hits someone reading this.
14. Making Out With Girls Is Very Fun
It took my 23 years to make out with a girl. Some say it was because of my haircut at the time, some say the planets were aligned accordingly. I'd say it had 99% to do with my job title and I have to thank Dave and Erika for letting a caterpillar turn into a butterfly last Thanksgiving. Not that anyone is counting but I've made out with 3 girls since. Business has been boomin.
13. Alex Cooper Is A Real Human
Believe it or not, Alex Cooper is a real human. I've even seen her in the office a few times! She's truly a nice lady that gets a bad rep from people. Also if you're reading this Alex, I still think having me on as a guest and naming the episode "Call Him Virgin" would do tremendous numbers for your show. Just saying.
12. The Chicago Guys Are Absolute Gems
If there's one group of people that everyone outside of the Barstool world can love, it's the Chicago guys. Carl, Eddie, WSD, Chief, Dante, and Danny Conrad are just a great bunch. Anytime I get to see them is a privilege. Salt of the earth guys who keep it real and are exactly who you expect them to be.
11. We Have The Best Video Editors
The quality of our production wouldn't be anything without the guys and girls we have working behind the scenes. Shoutout to John, John 1, Steven, Blaise, TJ, Corey, Adam, Jake, Ayra, Rudy, Jake 2, Liam, Justin, Colin, Tom, Brynn, Tom 2, Trey, Tevo, Loud Sean, Jen, Chef Donny, Dana, Booze, Nick, Milmore, Hank, Noah, Michael Angelo, and Philly Mays. I hope that's everyone. Also shoutout to the OG's Buddha Ben and JPE.
10. Bringing A Date To Your Work Office Is Not Ideal
I've said it 300 times and I'll say it again. The date wasn't supposed to be at Barstool HQ, but shit happens. Speaking of Barstool HQ…
9. Barstool HQ Is The Best Home I've Ever Lived In
This building has it all. A video game room, the comfiest couches in the entire world, and snacks on snacks on snacks. Living in Barstool HQ is
10 100 times better than living with my alcoholic father and my former 25 year old alcoholic gambling pothead roommate that jerks off without headphones.
8. The Power This Platform Has
One of the greatest things about his job is bringing awareness to just about anything you want. I've always been proud of making videos that have gone viral or recieved many views, but my proudest accomplishment was being able to write about Jack Roche. He was an equipment manager for the Kansas Jayhawks football team and a big Stoolie. He passed away this summer and he's always been on my mind since. I've had conversations and video calls with his friends and family to hear about his life. I'll never know what that family has been through, but being able to spark some light and give them the recognition they deserved was my favorite accomplishment in my 2 years of working here. Working here is more than just entertaining an audience. We're common people who have the privilege to help make people laugh and smile more.
7. Stoolies Are Simply The Best
Anytime I'm fortunate enough to bump into a Stoolie at a bar, putt putt course, a basketball court, it's such a cool feeling to meet someone. It's always genuine. Nobody besides the A list celebs that work here such as Dave, Big Cat, and One Month Trial Ethan should see themselves as celebrities. We're all just normal people that live on the internet. I might not act normal when I meet someone new because I have to remember I'm Austin off the internet, but it's been amazing meeting Stoolies. I'm friends with a Stoolie in Nashville, Brooklyn, Wisconsin, and we all text each other and go to games. Well, we used to go to games, but it's just thrilling to make new friends through the internet.
6. In N Out Burger Is So Overrated
In my 24 years living on planet Earth, I'll never get over the fact of how overrated In-N-Out Burger is. I've written about it if you want the full scoop, but this is something that I think about every single day. I think about it every time I eat a burger.
5. Tyler O'Day Is The Only Person In The World That Can Pull Off Short Shorts That Suffocate Your Ballsack
God bless Tyler O'Day.
4. A Bacon Egg And Cheese Can Change Your Life
Ever since I moved to NYC I've been hooked on bacon egg and cheese sandwiches. I've always been a french toast stick guy but wow are these gamechangers. Throw a hash brown between them and holy shit are you in for a flavor experience. My favorite spot to get a BEC is Best Deli in Fordham. Spectacular every time, and very cheap. In conclusion, living in NYC =bad. Eating in NYC=good.
3. Understanding The Audience
This lesson has been the most challenging to learn. I've made videos that people enjoy on Twitter and Instagram but have not been loved on here. Vice Versa. One of your worst videos could be someone's favorite, and your favorite video could be someone's most hated. It's very interesting and it sadly makes me question if whatever idea I have in my head is worth creating. But at the same time, you never know when your time is up and you gotta make the best of what you have.
2. Dave And Erika Are The Best Bosses To Work For
This isn't sucking up to anyone. Dave and Erika are truly 2 of the greatest bosses I've ever had. You see a lot from them on camera, but behind the camera is as genuine as it gets. They are very understanding, treat you respectfully, and make you work harder than you should.
It turns out I could only think of 23 lessons. Maybe I'll learn a new one this year and add it to my notes. I'm only 16 years away from auditioning for The 40 Year Old Virgin Part 2 so I'm going to keep working hard for this company and also keep my shot WET. I hope everyone had a Happy Bent Day.