Monkeys have sneakily been causing the most havoc out of anyone this entire quarantine. Every day it seems like there's a news story about some sort of monkey causing a stir. Monkeys stealing COVID-19 blood samples, Baboons terrorizing cars with literal chainsaws and knives, and there was even a monkey that had to be put behind bars for the rest of his life because he got raised by some asshole wizard that turned him into an alcoholic monkey. The list goes on and on.
It's almost as if all the other primates are plotting some form of a 'Planet of the Apes' uprising whilst we're all distracted by other things. Honestly, the perfect time to strike. When that happens you can catch me joining their side. Not that I don't like the human race (not true. I dislike the fair majority of humanity) but I'm quick to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. You can catch me picking bugs out of my overlord's fur whilst the rest of humanity has their limbs ripped from their bodies by gaggles of chimps.
Police using slingshots to try keep sex crazed monkeys which have overrun a city under control have been forced to admit they are powerless.
Life is so easy for the primates in the Thai city of Lopburi that they are eating themselves to death, according to wildlife experts.
Citizens in the tourist hotspot are afraid to leave their homes due to the vicious macaques, which have set up their headquarters in a disused cinema and developed a taste for junk food.
Last month Mirror Online reported that an estimated 6,000 monkeys were terrorising locals, attacking anyone brave enough to stand in their way.
When I had first blogged about these monkeys about a month ago, it was not nearly this bad. At least then there was some hope. The prosperity that maybe the police could handle it and get rid of the bastards once and for all. Nope. That didn't happen. Not even close. It's actually kept going the opposite direction to the point that the monkeys simply have too much food, they're fucking eating themselves to death. What are the locals supposed to do? Not give them food? That just sounds like the perfect excuse to get your limbs plucked off your body like an action figure.
The craziest part is that the police thought they could just handle this with goddamn slingshots. You're gonna take back the city with slingshots?! Against six thousand monkeys? Even Bart fucking Simpson couldn't stop a band of ravenous monkeys with a slingshot, let alone real-life people. You'd have better luck trying to vacate the entire than killing all of the monkeys.
Unfortunately some residents first thought the best way of calming the overzealous monkeys down was to give them fast food - but this has just made the situation worse.
somewhere in the city of Lopburi
person 1: "so how are we supposed to deal with the monkeys?"
person 2: "well they've been coming by because they have no food and we keep feeding them"
person 1: "hmm"
person 2: "what?"
person 1: "well what if we gave them more food"
person 2: "…"
person 1: "…"
person 2: "genius."
That's the only logical explanation behind all of this. In what world do you upgrade the food in which you are feeding the primal enemies that are essentially holding you hostage in your own home? Certainly one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.
It begs the question; how do we deal with the monkeys? Well, this could just be me, but the first step seems to be to stop feeding them. The human would then have to board up and pray that the monkeys aren't strong enough to barge into their homes.
Or maybe feed them more if they're gonna just gonna die from overeating. However, if you're gonna overfeed them, you need to overfeed them. I'm talking about all the food possible. Don't hold back. Who knows, maybe slip a little rat poison in the McDoubles and really get the party started. Just something that'll, ya know, get the monkeys to fuck off.
Worst case scenario, Lopburi turns into some sort of animal-human battleground a la the Great Emu War. Then again, Australia still gets shit for getting the score run up on them by a bunch of birds. I'm not sure Thailand is ready for that type of shit in this world environment. All I know is that tourists aren't likely to go back to the city where the monkeys rule the streets and tourists feeding the monkeys is the reason this whole thing started anyway. You just have to hope that the city of Lopburi can turn things around here.