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Monkey Gets Too Drunk and Attacks 250+ Humans, Gets Arrested and Handed Life Sentence

Just wanted to start off this blog by saying one thing; fuck monkeys. They were out stealing coronavirus blood, now this.

It's nothing personal. Growing up in the 2000s - circa 2005-2008ish - there was a random period in time where every kid wanted a pet monkey. Don't ask me why because I have no fucking clue either. I hated it. Couldn't stand it as youthful elephant enthusiast. They even had a fuckin cartoon about a kid who's best friend was a goddamn primate! Monkey craze had swept up the 5-8 year demographic and I wasn't the least bit enthused. 


Most monkeys are no more than about 2 feet tall, but they’re known to be as much as four times stronger than humans.

Reason #293 why I don't fuck with monkeys. One minute you're just chilling at the zoo (or any other location with monkeys), minding your own business. Next thing you know, a monkey is on top of you peeling your face off like an orange. 

That’s how one drunk monkey named Kalua was able to tear through 250 people — and kill one — while on a rampage in India. This week, zookeepers at Kanpur Zoological Park charged with re-assimilating the primate — for the last three years — have deemed him too dangerous to live among his kind, and have sentenced him to solitary confinement for the rest of his life


Two hundred fifty people might not seem like a large number but once you imagine that capacity in a single room, it kind of sets in a little more. This cocksucker was off his fucking wagon, attacking probably anyone and everyone he saw. Can't be having that whatsoever. I can't even begin to imagine the sheer terror that must come with walking down the street to see some hammered monkey comes profiling through everyone.

I'm curious as to how he got drunk. Did he steal the liquor? Was it provided to him? There is NO WAY a monkey, capable of ripping us limb from limb (might not be 100% accurate but you cannot convince me otherwise), should be anywhere near the bottle. I hardly trust people I know when they're intoxicated, let alone a goddamn wild animal.

The alcoholic animal belonged to an “occultist” in Mirzapur, Uttar Pradesh, whom local authorities believe supplied his pet with a regular diet of hard liquor and, possibly, monkey meat, according to the Daily Mail’s report.

(had to immediately google what occultist meant, is apparently someone who believes in "the supernatural and the power of magic")

I get that monkeys maybe a little more frequent in a country like India - police literally have to dress like bears to scare them away from certain areas of India - but come on. Nobody even thought to bat an eye at this guy and his pet monkey? Like what. It makes zero sense whatsoever.

When I initially read the headline "drunk monkey" I assumed it was a matter of the monkey escaped and got into the liquor cabinet or something. Little would I know, it was quite the opposite. This primate was probably being fed alcohol as if it were water. I'm not a scientist so I don't exactly know all the specifics behind it but something tells me monkeys should be going nowhere near booze. It's just a shitty spot for this monkey to be in. It was taken in by some sort of wizard character and it was all downhill from there, the booze started flowing.

When the owner was found dead, they believe the neglected monkey — likely in the throes of withdrawal — took his aggression to the streets and began roaming the neighborhood and attacking people, particularly the faces of women and children. Kalua had eluded animal trappers in the forests of Mirzapur for some time before finally being captured, IANS reported.

Kalua, who is now 6 years old, was ultimately brought to the Kanpur Zoo, where he remained hostile towards female zookeepers in particular, as well as monkeys.

“We kept him in isolation for some months and then shifted him to a separate cage,” said the zoo doctor Mohd Nasir. “There has been no change in his behavior and he remains as aggressive as he was. It has been three years since he was brought here, but now it has been decided that he will remain in captivity all his life.”

So because this monkey has seemingly lived its whole life in abuse, it went through withdrawals. Here I was, slandering monkies all over the place, and now I can't help but feel really bad for this monkey. He could've been livin' a normal ass life swinging through trees, throwing fecal matter at other monkies, eating bananas, etc etc. When this monkey finally had his chance to live a somewhat normal monkey life in a zoo, he couldn't behave like a normal animal. the damage from the abuse was done.

Now he's got life in the clink. Solitary confinement. It's only fair. You can't be going around attacking 250+ people and just get away with it. It'll definitely give him some time to detox and maybe change his attitude with the zookeepers. Who knows, maybe this could be the redemption story of a lifetime.