The PlayBarstool App Is HereDownload Now

If You Had 'Baboons Attacking Cars with Knives and Chainsaws," You've Got 2020 Apocalypse Bingo

Source - SAFARI park baboons were seen armed with knives, screwdrivers and a CHAINSAW amid fears pranksters gave them weapons to wreck cars.

The primates at Knowsley safari park, Merseyside, are long known to pounce on anyone pausing in the enclosure and ripping off a windscreen wiper or mirror.

Workers now fear they are being armed with the lethal weapons "for a laugh" by visitors to bolster their attacks and the apes have even been seen rummaging around toolboxes themselves.

One park worker told The Sunday Times: “We’re not sure if they are being given weapons by some of the guests who want to see them attack cars, or if they’re fishing them out of pick-up trucks and vans.

"They will literally go into people’s toolboxes and carry them around. One of the baboons was seen lugging around a chainsaw.”

You know 2020 is irredeemably bad when chainsaw-wielding apes is not only not a surprise, it doesn't crack the 1,000 worst things to happen this summer.

Hahaha! Good one, Knowsley Safari Park visitors! Great prank! Baboons are cute and funny anyway. But arm them with knives and screwdrivers and fucking chainsaws - the human race's most stylish killing machine - and they're 100 times cuter and funnier, amirite

Goddamned species traitors. Those laughs you're having are going turning to tears - painful, hysterical, agonizing, blood-soaked tears really fast once these highly intelligent and adaptive creatures learn the full potential of these superweapons you've given them. I listened to a BBC science podcast not long ago with a panel of primatologists and anthropologists (which should demonstrate how electric my life is), not the least of whom was Jane Goodall. And they explained that baboons in some safari parks are so smart, they not only have learned how to open car doors to look for food, they recognize the sound of the car being locked and teach each other not to bother trying those cars. 

So how long do you think it will take before they figure out how to start a chainsaw? Months? A year if we're lucky. And once they figure out the destructive power of these things, they'll be breaking into garages and tool sheds to collect more of them. Probably learn to start fixing them and building their own out of spare parts. And unless every staff member and visitor to Knowsley is trained to defend themselves against gas powered, chain driven, slicey death, they'll take over. Hope it was worth the laughs. 

While I don't want to cut in on the hilarious hijinks of these zany pranksters, I did watch "Running Man" again over the weekend (again, the excitement of being me is incomparable) and have this this tip on how best to defend yourself against a chainsaw attack, courtesy of Schwarzenegger's Ben Richards. 

And as a reminder, if you do manage to slice one of these apes in two with his own weapon, be sure and drop the clever Kill Phrase at the end. This has been a Public Service Announcement. On behalf of humans everywhere, stop arming baboons.