Grading The Blog: March 24th - March 31st
I’ll be honest, the “I’ll do it Monday” mindset turned into a “Fuck, it’s Monday” feeling very quickly. If you’ve been following along, I have debated whether a Friday drop for this blog or a Monday release date would be more beneficial for the numbers / readers / product…..but one thing I forgot to take into consideration was myself. Last night when I got home from the streams, I had a feeling of Deja vu that I hadn’t felt since high school: the Sunday Scaries. And I’m not talking about the kind when you hate that it’s Monday the next morning. I’m talking about the kind you get when the late afternoon NFL games are winding down and you realize that you have to do questions 2-84 (Evens) for your Algebra class and only the Odds answers are in the back of the book.
And I still did when any teenager would do: I decided to “sleep now, wake up early, and get it done first thing in the morning”. So here we are 6am, scouring last week’s blog to hand out superlatives. And I’ll say this, despite my complaining, this is certainly the proper move. I was able to comb through 299 blogs, videos, and different pieces of content throughout the last week, and while my fear was that a Monday release would mean somethings were "outdated", I actually feel this is a good way for readers to catch up on anything they may have missed.
Okay, without further adieu, let's get into Week 3.
I guess we should start with the obvious…
Best Blog: Big Cat
I'm not sure I have the words to describe how it makes me feel that Big Cat dusts off the fingers approximately one time per year and immediately removes any notion that Francis, John Rich, or myself is a good writer. Or how about the fact that I'm out here giving out Best Blog and Longest Headline awards while Dan is giving out the "Is That Dennis Allen Or A Serbian Arms Dealer/Guy Who Is Way Too Into F1" Award. Absolutely spot on analogoy…and an early front-runner for Blog of the Year.
Best Boobs: Emily
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Sorry, I may have gone a little overboard on that one. I just wanted to be sure that I got you guys views from all angles, for uh, Awards Voting purposes. And how about Emily knocking off Sweeney this week? Karim blogged that she only needs two hours of sleep per night, and while some of the pictures attached caught my eye, I've got a certain sweet spot for the Daphne costume on Halloween.
Best Ass: Cardi B
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Just one video for evidence here because anyone that's not been living under a rock for the last decade is well aware of what Cardi B is working with. And this may have been a stretch to get her into the Grading The Blog awards, paired with Smutler having a nice picture of Stephanie as well this week, I can't leave the best ass in the game sitting on the sideline. Especially when she was on the hands down Video Of The Week this week, too….
The visual of how she sits that thing on a couch is a puzzle to me…..
The Dante The Don Longest Headline Of The Week: Dante
46 words! A tie atop the leaderboard with Dante for longest headline since this series started.
….and this Diddy story is going to be quite the entertainment for us to all watch unfold. Will we be lucky enough to get Biden v. Trump debates this year, too?
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The "Greenie" Associated Press Headline of the Week: RDT
Sad news….RDT is a huge Orioles fan….no problem with it being blogged. Just kinda funny that I'm giving out the AP Headline of the Week Award and RDT literally could get put away for plagiarism of The Baltimore Banner on this one.
Most Controversial: Speed Nating
Some people liked it, Dave hated it, but everyone had one thing in common: you clicked it. Will there be an Episode 2……? Gotta find a way to do it without headphones, if so.
Headline Typos: Three Way Tie
Look, here's my stance on typos: who gives a fuck…..in the story. Whatever system we're using to types blogs autocorrects the fuck out of some of my words, and I make PLENTY of typos myself in my articles with or without that. I actually do practice what I preach to my 7th graders and proofread what I write at least once before I turn it in, but sometimes you spend so long on something that you just read it how you think it should be read, making it seem right in your head. Regardless, I think we're all on the same page…..and OB, Jack Mac, and Reags would agree….that headlines need to be correct. I'm not sure who of those three have the power to publish their own blogs, or if these were checked over, but we need to be better on this!
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Bad Take of the Week: Nicky Smokes
Here's the first 3 sentences of the blog:
Here we are, folks. It's officially that time of year when we all turn to the most boring sport in the world to carry us through the dog days of summer. Sure, we still have the NBA and March Madness for now, but even those products are mediocre at best.
What the fuck is wrong with this kid….? I'm not sure where to begin, but I'm contemplating using a word that is no longer socially acceptable / would remove all prospects of me ever returning to the classroom. Call baseball "the most boring sport in the world" if you want, but you're very, very wrong. I'm not a soccer guy, and I've never gotten into hockey…..but Nicky, there's some "sports" out there that people would rather watch paint dry than. And it's not fucking baseball. But that was probably (of his two takes) his best take! "March Madness is mediocre at best". Put this kid in a mental institution.
Good Take of the Week: Rico Bosco
Two paragraphs and two tweets was lazy, but the overall premise is correct. Ice Con was a laugh out loud visual, and if the Over would've hit, it would've been…..wait for it…..a movie. And this idea doesn't even need to be a grand ol' thing like Ice Con. Just a simple sign that says "Anyone With The Over Sit In This Section" just like the Home / Away signs at a high school basketball game.
Most Impressive Feat: Dana B / Nate
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I think Nate said it well. Dana may not be able to tie his own shoes, but he can name the 13th guy off the bench for the Timberwolves. So the question must be asked: is Dana smart? Or dumb? Or a genius? Or dumb?
How To Fix America Blog Of The Week (Co-Winner): Hubbs
How are we in the year 2024 and this is still….wait, not still….now a thing? This is a perfect example of technology making our lives worse. The fact that you have to avoid watching certain TVs when you are in a bar, basement, or Gambling Cave at the end of games because you may spoil the scores of the games on the other TVs is flat out laughable. This should've been fixed two seconds into it becoming a problem. Like, just delay the score updates 30 seconds. No one is watching a game to watch the score updates….we have them on the next TV already!
Oh, and if your answer is to only have one TV, you are a loser. too.
How To Fix America Blog Of The Week (Co-Winner): KFC
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STOP LETTING THE BAD GUYS OUT OF JAIL!!!!
RIP to Officer Diller. RIP to Jetski's dad. RIP to his partner, BobbyParker. And honestly, fuck these scumbags that are so lucky to only get a life sentence in prison….
A Few John Rich Blogs To Read If You Missed Them:
Schools Suing TikTok and Snapchat For Distracting Student Learning
Most Blogs Of The Week: Reags
He's a fucking machine! I turned it up a notch on my own last week, scratching some long-form blogs to get some shots up, and came out with a company 2nd best by a fair margin 20. And Reags still more than doubled me up.
Alright, that's what I got for you guys for last week. It's a new week, and it's a new month!! The Blog Output tab on the front page of the backend of our website has reset, and April is anyone's game at this point!! The leaderboard is showing a 4-way tie right now with Big Cat posting PMT, Cheah with a Mock Draft, Dave with Davey Day Trader….and of course Reags got one off already this morning. Wait, is this the month Dan and Dave get back on the blog, or is this just an April Fools joke? Have a good day, everyone. Stay safe from all those….hilarious…pranks.