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If And When Aliens Arrive On Planet Earth, (If They're Not Here Already), And You Were The First Person They Encountered, What Advice Would You Give Them?

There's a school of thought out there on the fringe, (i.e. Alex Jones, Billy Football, etc.) that believes aliens are already and have been here on Earth for quite some time. Disguised and blending in among us. Be it in actual lizard person, reptillian form where they can camouflage themselves to look human, or in a human/cyborg form where they're controlled by proxy. 

You could argue Mitch McConnell made a strong case for that latter theory when he glitched up yesterday-

I don't believe any of that because I'm of the camp that believes "aliens" are either us, time traveling from the future, back in time to prevent us from bringing on our own mass extinction, OR, that they are actually from another galaxy or dimension, and they are coming to bring the fuckin' pain like M-e-t-h-o-d Man. I'm talking hellfire and brimstone. Meaning, if they were here already, we would know it. The world would be in utter chaos, natural disasters every other day, geopolitical turmoil boiling over in every region, and the world as we know it teetering on the brink... On second thought... 

Giphy Images.

I digress.

The question, and point of this blog is this: When aliens show up here, because make no mistake, they're coming, is if they beam down from the mothership in your front yard, and you wind up the Elliot to their E.T., and they ask you, "what the fuck do we need to know about this place?", what is your response?

Giphy Images.

I think some of the funniest people around these parts exist not on this blog (sadly), but in the comment section so I'm looking forward to seeing some of the responses.

Here's what some of the best on twitter were-

Lisa Ann doesn't want them to litter?

Not what my first guess from her would have been but ok, I see you Lisa. If you litter you are a trash human.

Michael Angelo, who underwent gross mistreatment from a hotel chain in Colorado last weekend had this to say-

After suffering through what had to be 110% humidity in Chicago yesterday, I concur with this guy

This goes without saying, but do aliens have buttholes? Does anybody know? Is that why they're so fascinated by anal probes? Food for thought.

Cons being Cons.

Dave agrees

Preach Robbie

Wise words

Please! For the love of all that is holy!

More wise words

I had this discussion with my friend Magee, and here's what we came up with off the top of our heads.

- don't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. May sound crazy but just trust us. It's not practical or economical. 

- delete your Facebook. It’s old. It’s in incriminating and you’re not friends with most of those people anymore. People only go back to old albums to find something that can ruin your life

- don’t fall in love. Not worth it. Overhyped. And never plays out like a movie. In fact, watch The Break Up. That’s how real love works here. 

- if you see nachos at a theatre. Don’t get them. Have some respect for your other audience members 

- listen to whatever music you like and fuck everyone else. If people tell you they don’t like Hootie, they’re lying. They know the words.

Chime in with your advice to our soon to be overlords and vanquishers in the comments below.