Live EventLIVE from the Gambling House with the Unnecessary Roughness crew for Texas A&M vs Mississippi StateWatch Now
Dave Portnoy Reporting Live From the Eye of the Storm - Barstool College Football Show Week 5WATCH NOW

The Scariest Way To Die

I apologize for giving you a new fear, but this is something that crosses my brain every single day. If I have to think about it all the time, you do too. On this week's Dog Walk snake draft, the Chicago guys had the two office daredevils on, myself and Chef Donny, for the very light and fun topic of the worst ways to die. You can watch the full draft here. 

I've been told by Red Ed that there will be no poll/vote/graphic this week (likely due to how depressing a graphic would look) so there are no concerns about me spoiling picks and getting a commissioner ban. 

As a forever nervous hypochondriac, I spend a lot of time thinking about different ways I could succumb to death. This was actually a good opportunity for me to put a list together and compile all my possible fears in one place. I tried to do a mix of classic scary ways to die, plus some unique ways that only go on in my brain. Here's what I had. 

1. Drowning 

A classic first round pick along with being burned alive. I've only died in a dream once, and it was via drowning. The whole "if you die in a dream, you die in real life" thing is bullshit, and I'm living proof. But it was still very scary. The helpless feeling of sinking to the bottom as you fight and claw to try saving yourself. The specific drowning scenario I had in my mind is what you see in a movie where water leaks into a ship or something and you're stuck in one room and the water level is just rising to the ceiling. There's no way out, so you're just taking your last breaths as you try to keep your mouth above the water before running out of oxygen. I can't find a YouTube clip of it, but you know what I mean. 

2. Years long battle with terminal cancer that slowly deteriorates your body and mind, bankrupting your entire family as you try to keep up with hospital and medical bills

Think that one's pretty self explanatory. 

3. Carbon monoxide poisoning

This one is scary mainly because you don't see it coming. You can't see nor smell this poisonous gas. You need to have a carbon monoxide detector, but that can break or run out of batteries at any point. I had a carbon monoxide scare last year when the alarm went off. I called my landlord and his solution was, "It's probably the batteries. I'll take this one off and replace it during the week." The bold strategy of removing a carbon monoxide detector when there's a possible leak in the apartment. I said "no thank you" to that and made him change it instantly. Blogged that full story last year if you want the full saga. 

Someone then tweeted this Reddit threat at me, and I'm now convinced it should have been the first overall pick. 

4. A non-secure ladder at the bottom of a fire escape falling down and crushing my skull as I walk underneath it

This is what I talked about at the top of the blog. I think about this every day as I walk through the city. A lot of people are afraid of the man hole covers on the ground collapsing, and that's a fear I certainly have as well. But everyone thinks of that. Not everyone thinks about a ladder falling from the sky and killing them. It feels like a fair fear though. There's definitely a chance some idiot didn't lock it in right, or it's old and rusty. There's so many things than can go wrong. I avoid them at all costs. 

5. Getting run over by a car while outdoor dining

This one might also be New York City specific. But ever since the pandemic, we have way more way outdoor dining in the city. Since NYC is not exactly the most spacious place in the world, we basically just put tables in the street. It's very possible that a car can lose control and run me over as I'm enjoying a delicious pink cocktail. I think I've actually seen news stories of this happening. For this reason, I like to be the one facing the street so I can see any potential danger and get myself out of there. 

You can listen to the full Dog Walk episode wherever you get your podcasts, or watch the YouTube video above.