Masks are So 2020. Double Masking? That was Yesterday. The New Hotness is TRIPLE MASKING.

Every time I try to get into the subject of pandemic response, I live to regret it. And try to tell myself I'll never go there again. Simply ask a question, no matter how simple and logical, and you get accused of being an anti-masker and and anti-vaxxer by angry hordes of anti-askers. So I've tried to discipline myself not to ask anything I'm told, no matter how confusing or even contradictory it seems. Because every question opens you up to furious, self-righteous anger from people who say you're murdering their loved ones for going to the gym or a dine-in restaurant (but not the grocery store, Home Depot or Walmart), no matter if you follow all the guidelines. So I've worked to train myself to live by the words on the t-shirts the college kids and hipsters have been sporting as a fashion statement since Vietnam: "Don't Question Authority." 

So when Dr Fauci told us "there's no reason to be walking around with a mask" and in fact, they only make the spread worse, I listened. When he amended that to say masks are effective, but not to get one because front line workers need them, I did what I was told. When he updated that to they're effective but not mandatory, I went along. When that became they should be mandatory, I strapped up. 

And this week, when the highest paid federal employee's position evolved to basically, two masks are better than one, I got on board that double masking train. The one my Spirit Animal was on way back in early October:

Charlie Riedel. Shutterstock Images.

But at the same time, I realized I was sick of being behind the curve on this. I've been playing catch up for too long on this one. If one mask won't do and double-masking is about to become all the rage, I'm going to get out ahead of this for the first time. To outmask all the double-maskers while they're still trying to figure out where to put those second ear straps. I was determined to be the nation's first triple-masker. 

Too late. It barely took 24 hours and I've already been beaten to the punch.

Dammit, CNBC! While I was busy sorting my collection looking for three contrasting colors so it would be obvious I'm a triple-masker and could start mask-shaming the double-maskers, you had to beat me to it. This must be what it felt like for the U.S. when the Soviets put a man in space.

Well now, like then, it's so on. Like JFK setting the goal to go to the moon, I am declaring that I intend to become the quadruple-masker. And if someone beats me to that, I shall quintuple-mask. Then sextuple-mask and so on. I will pile them upon my mouth and nose, my forehead and the crown of my skull and on the back of my neck if necessary. I do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Because achieving that goal will demonstrate to the world that I care more than they do. And that there is no end to the virtue signalling that is to come. When I've octuple-masked and reach a Covid risk rate of negative 125%, I will look down upon those who in late January killed people by the millions with their careless and selfish double-masking. 

And when that day comes, just remember that I got there first. And acknowledge that I followed the science and took the threat more the threat seriously than you.