Daily Mail - Until she served a short stint at Miami's Federal Detention Center, former Mrs. Florida Karyn Turk thought she'd seen it all.
But not even binge-watching Orange Is The New Black on Netflix, she said, prepared her for 30 days in the slammer, the result of a guilty plea to stealing her dying mother's social security checks.
Every single day, she told DailyMail.com in an exclusive interview days after she was released, brought its share of eyebrow-raising, eye-rolling, forehead-slapping moments.
Like when Turk, a frequent Mar-a-Lago visitor and conservative commentator on cable news, watched fellow inmates instantly create an elaborate communication network between cells throughout the building.
'Women with particularly ample buttocks sit on the toilet until they create suction inside the porcelain bowl. They go up and down like a pump until the water at the bottom of the toilet is gone ... and, suddenly, you can hear and talk to others throughout the prison. ...
'There is sex between inmates and guards in the back of the kitchen area,' she said.
'There is sex between inmates, sometimes four at a time or more in a cell that guards have to break up.'
Homemade sex toys were often confiscated during cell searches. In one sweep for contraband, Turk reported, she watched guards seize several types of home-made dildos.
'One popular type is turkey sausage from the commissary wrapped in the fingers of cut-up plastic gloves,' Turk said. 'There's also the kind made from hardened and expanded tampons and stuffing from maxi pads packed into plastic gloves.'
You know what, this is oddly comforting to know. Not just because it means that all those late night prison movies on Cinemax I watched when I was single and would get home late from comedy gigs didn't lie to me. But also that those regular prison movies I've always watched didn't lie to me either.
I'm talking about classics like "Shawshank," "Cool Hand Luke," "Escape from Alcatraz," "The Longest Yard" and even "The Great Escape." Ultimately those were stories about the will of the human spirit to triumph over adversity and hopelessness. About the ingenuity of the human brain to conceive and create. To make intolerable conditions tolerable. To build and obtain things to give them some comfort. Whether it was Tim Robbins' Andy Dufresne fashioning chess pieces out rocks he found in the prison yard or James Garner's The Scrounger stealing the parts of a German car to make pickaxes for digging tunnels.
And these young ladies who served their time with former Mrs. Florida Karyn Turk are real life examples. I mean, I wouldn't recommend pumping the water out of your toilet with your butt cheeks so you can talk through the pipes. that standing water is there to keep bacterial from coming up out of the sewer and they probably all have amoebic dysentery right now. But it proves what social creatures we are. It's sort of beautiful in that way.
As far as cell orgies and cafeteria sausage dildos, what else is that but an expression of the basic need of all of us to find love. So thanks for sharing, Mrs. Florida. If any pageant winner was going to represent her state by stealing her mother's social security checks, I'm glad it was you. And I'm glad the state was Florida.