Apple To Release A "Smaller and Cheaper" Phone In 2020, AKA The iPhone 5s So I Was Right All Along

So I have been catching some heat on the internet about my phone thanks to our little weasel intern, Danny. He filmed me at my own Blackhawks party while I was in a vulnerable state and tried to get the internet to shame me about my phone. Here is what he wrote in his blog that I will not be linking to because I don’t want him to get the extra pageviews because I am petty

This is why it looks like he’s in a field of fog every time our guy Chief does a video. The man is stuck in 2013 and there’s seemingly nothing anyone can do about it. Look, I personally only get a new iPhone when I break mine, but to still be holding onto the 5 is impressive. Obama was still in his 1st term when Chief got that phone. It’d be one thing if he didn’t work for an internet company, but he does. That’s like being an Uber driver with a wooden-striped station wagon. Unbelievable. Shout out Chief.

Passive aggressive to say the least. Too chick to sling real arrows. Wanted the internet to do the heavy lifting of calling me poor. Cowardly, if you ask me. He got principle details wrong about my phone though. 1) it’s a 5s. Straight up 5 is a phone for poors. 2) Using an iPhone 5s is a personal choice. I got the original 5s when it came out, not to brag. I loved it. Perfect size. Slips right in your pocket. Easy to hold while texting and driving. Big enough screen. It has it all. That great phone went for a swim in the toilet in 2017. I was devastated. Tried the old bag of rice trick. Couldn’t save it. Went down to my local Verizon store and they told me I was eligible for an upgrade to the 7. I declined. I asked the woman to look in the back for an exact duplicate of my trusty ole 5s. She looked at me cross-eyed like I didn’t hear her properly when she said “free upgrade”. She started telling me about all the features and the camera and whathaveyou. I said “listen, lady…. Whatever upgrades this thing has isn’t going to make me better at my job. I am going to tweet the same. Write the same. Send the same god damn emails”… I am limited by my own brain. A good craftsman never blames his tools. The iPhone11 wouldn’t change my life or enhance my career so I pass. Give me the thing that makes me comfortable. I want to keep the iPhone 5s in my pocket like it’s my totem in Inception. Sorry, I am not into throw culture. I don’t care about status symbols. You can keep your three cameras and your “portrait mode” and your “battery life”. I don’t need any of that. The 5s has twitter, email, video(wink), and text messaging. That’s all I really need. And…now Apple is finally admitting that I was right all along. They’ve announced that they’re going to come out with a “smaller, cheaper” iPhone.

(NY Post)–Ming-Chi Kuo of TD International Securities said the design and hardware of the new device is similar to the iPhone 8, but with the same processor used in the iPhone 11. He didn’t know the price of the phone. But Apple currently sells the iPhone 8 for $449, so the iPhone SE could potentially offer more power for $50 less, if Apple keeps the same pricing, CNBC said.

So it turns out that I was right all along. I properly identified the best phone apple ever made and now Apple agrees so they’re re-releasing it. Just proves that if you’re stubborn enough and resist any sort of change in your life eventually the world will give you what you want. Kind of like how I blogged at Barstool for 6 years part-time, several years for free, and then they finally hired me. Eventually my 2006 Jeep Liberty will come back in style too. So will my HP Pavilion lap top from 2014. Don’t get rid of things that work. Just run the ball, play defense, and resist change. That is the way to get what you want.