Michael Douglas Got Cancer From Going Down On Chicks

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GuardianMichael Douglas – the star of Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction – has revealed that his throat cancer was apparently caused by performing oral sex. In a surprisingly frank interview with the Guardian, the actor, now winning plaudits in the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, explained the background to a condition that was thought to be nearly fatal when diagnosed three years ago. Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.” Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

As if you needed anymore reason to avoid going down on chicks. Its hard. Its confusing. It doesn’t even work. And apparently it gives you cancer now. I mean I understand its a give-and-take world when it comes to sex. You want blow jobs, you gotta return the favor. But bottom line is you can get cancer from sucking my dick. At least I dont think you can, right? No such thing as dick cancer. So its not really a fair comparison. Apples to oranges really. Going down on chicks hurts your neck and your tongue and after you do it you fucking die from a terminal disease. Sorry ladies but thats a seriously tough sell.

PS – How about being Catherine Zeta Jones right now? Hey honey thanks for telling the world my pussy is lethal.