Making A Stalker
Rewind to 1 year ago. It’s a typical Saturday morning. I’m tapping my way through my buddies’ snapchat stories to see if it’s worth going out yet. Once the FOMO of drinking in the same basement with the same 5 people every weekend starts kicking in, I drive to my local liquor store for a pregame 12er.
I walk into Sky Liquors, located right next to Chicago’s famous Super Dawg, and grab a 12er of diet Millers knowing I’m leaving at least 5 behind for the host’s fridge. As I’m making my way to the register I see a 21-23 year-old couple enter the line before me. I give them the white person smile and wait for them to check out.
Footnote – the white person smile is a gesture in which you frown but do not extend your lower lip outward. It is a smile you give when you do not know the person you are looking at, but want to alert them you are of no danger.
After I leave the liquor store, a friend texts me saying Wrigleyville is a possible candidate for tonight’s destination. Certain bars in Wrigley enforce a dress code so I ask which bar specifically, to which he replies “idk.” Now I have to wear neutral clothes. Clothes that won’t get me shamed by a club bouncer but also won’t get me made fun of at a dive. You walk into some dump sports bar wearing an ironed shirt and everyone starts asking if you just got back from your wedding or some shit. There will be none of that today. There’s a nearby Target with a solid selection of middle-ground shirts so I detour there before driving back home.
The Target I’m at is inside of a mall called The H.I.P. Every town has their own “H.I.P.” A breeding ground for men with nose rings and white girls wearing Jordans. A mall you don’t want to admit you shop at but shop at. As I’m about to enter the men’s section for some $5 off-brands, I notice two people about 5 feet away from me suddenly freeze in their steps and begin to stare at me. I look over and it’s the same couple from the liquor store.
Pretty big coincidence that both I and this couple left from the same random convenient store and immediately booked it to the same mall, same store, same section. While both deciding to let our beer disintegrate in the car might I add. Since I’m talking about a specific part of a city in a national blog right now, let me put this into perspective a little. The H.I.P. is a solid 20 minute drive from Sky Liquors. I don’t know where this couple lives but if their plans all along were to get alcohol before shopping, it doesn’t make sense for them to have gone to that liquor store when there are at least 4 closer spots that sling booze by this mall. Not to mention there’s also a few places closer to Sky Liquors that sell clothes, including another Target that I now realize is even closer than the one we’re currently at. My excuse for making these same stops is that I didn’t leave my house for the liquor store knowing I’d be shopping right after, otherwise I would have planned my route more accordingly. Or at least would have bought the booze on my way back from the mall like an adult.
Both the guy and his girlfriend are clearly shocked to see me again and I’m definitely a foot or two out of my comfort zone as well. I’m trying not to look, but I catch them exchanging a few eyebrow raises and passing along a couple casual “is this guy gonna murder us or what?” looks to one another. They proceed to whisper amongst themselves as they’re occasionally peeking over their shoulder to probably make sure I’m not tip-toeing behind them with a scythe.
I’m never going to find a new shirt under these conditions, so I decide to check out another store in the mall. I’m roaming around for a solid 10 minutes, looking at all the wildlife passing me by, while having an inner debate as to whether or not I should get Sbarro. When in Rome. About 5 minutes pass and I decide to make a pit stop at Lids to see if they have anything good in the non-flat brim department for once.
As soon as I walk into Lids there’s a woman trying on a Cookie Monster hat while her male companion gets his initials stitched into his brim. Right behind them is the couple again.
Despite both being in the same building, Lids is not close to Target. They aren’t on the same floor and as a matter of fact, one could even make the argument they’re on opposite sides of the mall. It wouldn’t have been this big a deal if it were anyone else, but I am now 3 for 3 with accidentally stalking this couple within a 35 minute span.
Now look – I’m not saying they’re on their knees begging for mercy or anything, but things are getting weird over here. Obviously no one is really stalking anybody here, but if anyone was it would be me. For starters, there are two of them and one of me. They both look at each other and know the other is a normal, sane person. However, they do not know an ounce about me besides the fact that I also just so happen to shop for clothes after buying booze while letting it sit in my trunk in the middle of July like they do. It’s weird enough for 1 person to do that let alone all 3 of us at the same place same time. Throw in the fact that I’m older than both of them and, for the 1st time maybe ever, am actually more intimidating-looking than this guy and it provides them with even more reason to be sketched out about today’s events. Also I arrived at all 3 places after they did, so that would literally be the definition of following someone.
As I’ve been thinking about everything I just stated above I realize that I’ve been simultaneously posted up in front of a hat rack, gazing down at the floor the whole time. Interesting move for someone trying to not come off as a stalker, I agree. Made it seem like I was standing there trying to keep my ears open. As of now I’m simply trying to inadvertently show these two I’m not a stalker without saying “I’m not a stalker.” Do I fake a phone call? Make it seem like I’m a normal person with no time to be hunting down 22 year-olds? Maybe. But if they somehow knew I was faking a phone call then that would be it. I would officially be stalker boy. There’s really no other options at this point besides to get in my car and call it a day.
So to recap – upon going to both the same liquor store and same mall, I also walked into the same 2 stores as them and am now walking out empty handed from both because I spent the whole time in my head. And I now realize that since I was thought-trapped the whole time I didn’t even really look for anything at either place. Probably came off as normal. I eventually make it home from The H.I.P, disoriented but grateful I didn’t wind up in the backseat of their car.
Fast forward 3 weeks later. I’m headed to work in a neighborhood called Lakeview, an area near Wrigleyville, and stop at a Mobil on Elston/Cicero along the way to grab a Gatorade.
I take 4 steps into the place and the couple is there. I mean are you fucking kidding me? We’re basically at a remote gas station right now. The girl and I lock eyes. Little jaw drop action from her. White person smile from me. And I’m still waiting for the guy to notice I am in fact back. We’re officially at a point where I don’t feel comfortable writing stalker jokes anymore.
I don’t know if I should play it cool or if I should show that I’m clearly shocked to run into them again? If I don’t act surprised they’re going to think “no shit he’s not shocked to see us, the guy’s fucking stalking our every move.” Now clearly I’m not, but I actually think they’re becoming convinced that I am. And they seriously have every right to. It’s almost the only logical explanation at this point.
Now I feel like I have to address these coincidental run-ins with them and that they are in fact coincidental. I need to show that I’m aware of how bizarre it is to cross paths with them and that I too am just as freaked out by this. But the girl already walked out after recognizing me, leaving the guy waiting in the middle of the register line by himself. He still hasn’t noticed me yet so I’m not saying anything if I don’t need to. Also, what can I honestly do here? Walk up to a 22 year-old in a gas station in front of other people and start explaining how I’m not stalking him and his girlfriend? Yeah I’m not gonna follow you home and kill you either, just thought you should know.
As the girl was walking away earlier, I heard the guy say “Where are you going? The fuck?” And now he’s looking at his phone, at what I’m assuming is a text from the girl saying “get the fuck out of there” or some shit. So he pays, walks out of the store, gets in his car, and probably skips town with her.
Fast forward to present day. I have recently left the nest and moved to the Humboldt Park neighborhood, going from the northwest side of Chicago to the near west side, roughly 14 miles apart. About 4 weeks ago I received the opportunity to be able to write for Barstool Chicago. Something I’ve been working at and hoping for the past 5 years. That said, I wanted to debut with a good blog that was also specific towards the city. I’ve always thought some of these massive park districts here deserve more recognition, so I started a series called Strolling Through The Chicago Parks, with the infamous Humboldt Park being the 1st installment.
Apologies for the build-up here, but these are things you need to know before we get any further. Also I’m using this as practice for the day I’ll have to defend myself before a courtroom.
Humboldt Park is dominantly known for it’s “suspicious activity” that makes it sound ridiculous that I willingly chose to move 3 blocks away from it. If you make a living off of tips this is what you get. Furthermore, I decided to do my live blog/stroll through this park at midnight, reason being all the gang activity should be done by then considering the park closes at 11. Hilarious jokes aside, I just thought it’d be funnier if me – a young looking Irish Catholic boy- “blindly” went into this park during prime crime hours. Good content is good content and if I die I die doing what I love.
So I’m walking through the park. I’m finishing up getting all the information and pictures I need. As I’m walking down one of the park’s dimly-lit paths, I see some people about 30 yards away walking towards me on the same route. I can’t make out their faces from this far nor do I want to. I’m here on business. A couple seconds pass and I hear a loud gasp come from one of them. This grabs my attention and causes me to look up from my phone and down at them, now about 20 yards in front of me, to see who/what it is. I’m sure we all have our predictions locked in already.
It’s the mother fucking couple. This time 15-20 miles from where I had ever seen them before, 12:30AM, in a closed park known for its suspicious activity at night. Basically my victims at this point. And this time around they were with another friend. Fresh meat.
Know that I didn’t feel comfortable making that joke but what’s done is done.
The probability of me running into the couple right now is more of a miracle that it is a colossal coincidence. I’ve already explained to everyone still choosing to read this that this is not only a closed park neither parties should be at right now, but a park in a whole different side of a big city. I mean if we really want to get into it here, the park district itself is 206 acres. Even if you were to go to this park already knowing a friend or someone you’re familiar with was there, the chances of still bumping into them in a 206 acred area is crazy in its own right.
Back to the scene. Let’s first talk about what the fuck they’re doing here instead of what the fuck I’m doing here for once shall we. We all now know why I’m here already. For a life-threatening blog that maybe got 1,000 views on one of the most popular websites out there. I can promise you that you will never find me in Humboldt Park at night again unless one of the suspicious characters finally accept me for who I am. My only guess is they got something to eat at a place nearby, maybe found free parking by Humboldt, and we’re walking back through the park to their car. Even if that’s their explanation that still doesn’t make this any more ordinary. But I never got the chance to ask what on this dumb Earth they were doing there because them and their buddy started jogging to their car while I was still processing what was going on. They saw me before I saw them so they had enough time to enter and exit out of shock already. What concerns me the most here is that the friend immediately ran with them as soon as he saw me too. Meaning that he’s most likely heard (their side of) the story already, amongst the rest of their friends.
We have to jump backwards in the story Tarantino style here because, in hindsight, the details about this specific showdown the couple and I had this time around are so bad that I’m thinking about not even saying them anymore.
So as I said earlier, them and I are walking on the same path with light poles along it about every 30 feet or so. I happened to be passing under one of these lights when they first spotted me, but when I heard the initial gasp they were in an unlit patch. They were a distance away so I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I definitely heard a gasp and a “holy fuck” that followed. Normally I wouldn’t even flinch if I heard a weird noise in public, but I’m in a sketchy park right now at night and a group of people who I strongly assumed to be random just looked in my direction and mysteriously started running. So in my head I’m thinking, “There’s no way these people are ducking from a little Irish man in a carhartt and cubs hat, there HAS to be something they just saw behind me.” So naturally I became scared for my life and started picking up the pace, away from whatever was potentially about to murder me from behind. And also frantically walking towards them.
Another element that adds to the madness here – I also quite literally can’t see what’s going on in front of me because, for whatever reason, I have been RAPIDLY losing my sense of sight over the course of the past couple months. We’re talking ringing in 2019 with 20/20 and contemplating Lasik by March. I don’t know if that’s how it works or if losing your vision is supposed to happen at a more gradual pace over a longer period of time, but I can assure you it’s happening. Could have something to do with staring down screens 12 hours a day but regardless, I turned 26 this year and recently got the boot from father’s insurance. So at this time I was still looking for eye doctors under my marketplace health plan to prescribe me contacts who also do not operate out of their garage. For the meantime I bought a pair of cheaters, but despite being the most normal looking pair I could find they still make me look like fucking Mincus. I’ve never left the house with them because I’d rather be blind, however, I needed to bring them on the stroll in case there were funny park signs for the blog that I wouldn’t be able to read or some shit. Plus I decided it would be better to sport them in the pictures to make me look even whiter, or as an internet commenter so nicely put it “like I got fondled by a priest and enjoyed it.”
Once I finally get a grip I throw my Mincus 2000’s on and glance behind me to see no one’s even there. Psh, idiots.Then it was at this point I make eye contact with the girl and realize it was her. Long time no see. I’ve never been more of a blurry Mr. Krabs in my life. Now I see the friend with his phone out slightly tilted towards me. I know he is trying to get a picture of me and I have to let it happen. Can’t cover my face. That would mean I’m trying to hide from something. I want to finally attempt to explain the absurdity of our get-togethers, but I can’t be like “hey guys wait up a sec!” That would scream stalker. So I hit them with another white person smile and acted as naturally as I possibly could have in that situation while also having my photo taken. Hopefully he’s going to use that picture for a great tweet, but realistically it’s probably thumb-tacked to a bulletin board in front of a conference room of police officers as we speak.
Now for the cherry on top of all of this. In the park blog I tried to prove my point about how the new playground installments are more dangerous than fun, so I brought fake blood with me to the park to jam up my nose after I “fell off” of one them.
Used jelly, food-dye, and chunky peanut butter to make it. As you can see, it wasn’t the single-stream horror movie type bloody nose. It was more cocaine boogers esque. I’m sure they just assumed I had a fake bloody nose for a blog I was doing and not that the guy who’s been following them around for over a year also does hard drugs in parks at night. So to recap – I run into the couple in the dead of night, opposite part of the city, closed park, wearing glasses I only wore to make myself look creepier, and power walking straight towards them while my nose is nonchalantly gushing blood.
I will say, the picture they snapped of me racing towards them while my nose is drooping dark red peanut butter & jelly is going to be an interesting one to defend to a jury. What even happens in a stalker court case? The stalker gets a restraining order placed on them? If anyone out there who isn’t currently being made a stalker could throw that one in their search history for me it’d be appreciated. So I’m potentially facing a restraining order on me to restrain myself from a couple I’ve been endlessly trying to restrain myself from. Feel free. I hope it works too. Until then I’m gonna hang out indoors for a while.