Strolling Through The Chicago Parks: Humboldt
Eddie’s Note: Intern DC is a new writer who’s going to be chipping in with some blogs on Barstool Chicago. He’s my former podcasting partner and has been blogging for years. He’s funny, but please don’t let that stop you from giving him a nice Barstool welcome by berating the shit out of him. Welcome to the big leagues, DC.
The fine men of Barstool Chicago, as well as White Sox Dave, have given me the opportunity to report on one of our city’s “most dangerous” parks, as referred to by Gangland. I have no other credentials here besides appearing on an episode of Chicago Dog Walk where I got the chance to talk all about having pediatric cancer to thousands of people while keeping in mind all the children still suffering from the disease and simultaneously trying to be funny to an audience that was confused if they should laugh or not. Really grateful for these beginner level content opportunities.
Whether it be little league, getting banned from open gym, sitting on a park bench for 4 hours all equally contributing to the same dip spit pile, or plain old fashion loitering, the park districts were a big part of our youth growing up, and for some of us as adults, still are.
Given that most of us only attend our local parks, we don’t know much about the foreign ones in our own city. In honor of that I will be doing this new series where I get to walk for miles through random parks alone during all of my free time. Today I will be going out on a 30 degree Tuesday to cover all 206 acres of these grounds for a blog most people will aggressively scroll past:
I am actually a new resident of the Humboldt Park neighborhood (contrary to the Craigslist ad claiming it was Wicker Park) and from experience I can say that the area is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Once you get over having to keep the Third Eye Blind low during your walks, British soldiering it every time you pass someone on the street while cuffing your juul, and the year-round fireworks, it’s just like most places. The neighborhood itself receives a bad reputation due to its segregation, but if you look below you’d see it’s actually pretty diverse.
To be completely honest for a second – as an Irish Catholic, 5’10” (6′ on Hinge) man who recently got kicked off of his parent’s health insurance, I can’t afford anything bad happening to me. Which is why I will be strolling through the park at 11:30 at night. Shouldn’t be too many people to worry about there considering the park closes at 11. And if there is I just noticed I’m luckily wearing blue and red Cubs gear that will make me detectable in the dark.
Upon my arrival I hear what sounds like either several gunshots or a couple of scumbags lighting firecrackers off, so I wait a couple seconds to decipher the sound before entering the park. I figure the screams for help are a solid give away. Once the cries start becoming easier and easier to block out I decide the coast is clear. The only people around right now are a jogger wearing jeans screaming at me to join him in running and a woman talking to geese (no good park is complete without a local bird lady). I see a couple of tatted-up teenagers approaching in the distance so I quickly throw a G-Eazy single on my air pods to let them know I’m cool, right after taking another selfie alone in a park.
Scenery
Disclaimer: Had to turn up the brightness settings on some of these pictures I took so everyone would be able to see them.
The park district, located between North & Division stretching from California to Kedzie, is essentially separated into two with Humboldt Dr. being the dividing line. On the east side of the park are the playgrounds, the highly utilized tennis courts, ponds, etcetera. The west side of the park is more business professional including features such as Little Cubs Field, the field house, and gang recruitment prohibition:
From the gardens to the stables, anywhere you go you’re getting 200+ likes on Insta (numbers dependent on how generous you yourself are in the feed) and a flame emoji from a man who regularly uses dollar signs for his S’s.
Off the record – I knew there’d be certain displays at the park that may shake me up, but wasn’t expecting it right off the bat.
Aside from that the park is home to various forms of art.
Respectively: Alexander van Humboldt, the bronze bison that guards the formal Garden, the formal Garden that is guarded by the bronze bison, Maniac Latin Disciples, Lief Ericson
The Boat House Pavilion was inducted into the Chicago Landmark List in 1996. Also home to the BoatHouse Cafe where you can enjoy some coffee and bagels before you walk (no diving) into the lagoon right below it. Just make sure you wait the required 20 minutes after eating before entering the water. Don’t need anymore incidents.
Playground(s)
Not one, but five full-sized playgrounds for these over-privledged children on the west side of Chicago. I thought it would be a good idea to go out earlier during the business hours to capture some shots of the children playing at each park. Some respectfully disagreed.
Regardless, they have been adding stranger and stranger editions to the city’s playgrounds over the past couple years and the Baby Boomers seem to be overlooking that as a contributing reason to why kids are always on their phones and don’t play in the park anymore. I wouldn’t know how to successfully play on one of these new world order Dr. Seuss contraptions if I tried, but unfortunately that’s part of the job.
Side Note – After our high school graduation my friends and I didn’t get let into a post house party by the cool crowd and went off to the local playground to play Wood Chips (no stopping our fun) and while I was “it” I fractured my ankle and needed to wear a soft cast for a month. 18 years-old with a Wood Chips related injury. Had to miss two weeks of work.
Field House
Designed by the same creators of the golden dome at Garfield Park (looking forward to some of those parks, heard good things in the news) and the On Leong Tong in Chinatown. Inside is a gym, cultural center, and ballroom while naturally its bathrooms are outside.
Have to give them credit for placing their toilets in what looks like the setting of Saw IV. There are other bathrooms located inside but I’d go with this one if you’re trying to avoid hearing any warning knocks.
Coming soon with these: Vending Machine Reviews/Inspections.
Park Utilization
Humboldt does not waste its talent when it comes to using its resources. When they aren’t, they’re throwing Finding Dory on a projector to make everyone happy. Aside from that they hold boxing shows, jazz festivals, and a bunch of other events that still aren’t going to convince you to voyage to Humboldt Park. Not to mention you can both swim and fish (but not at the same time apparently) in its ponds.
No halfway decent park district in this city is complete without a day camp program (opinions subject to change). The longer your parents had to camp out/take off work on signup day, the better the camp. Thought it would be informative to hear from some of the day campers on here to give a firsthand report, but again -
Unique Features
-Little Cubs Field
Just your standard 800 seating AstroTurf little league diamond equipped with announcers.
-National Museum of Puerto Rican Arts & Cultures at The Stables
-Humboldt Beach
Before you say “I wouldn’t be caught dead swimming here” statistically speaking most of the dead bodies here are caught and identified, so don’t be so quick to judge a park solely based on what you’ve heard. If that isn’t swaying you they actually say decomposing bodies help to get rid of other bacterias within the waters.
In closing, Humboldt Park is one of the nicest parks you’ve never been to. Even if they don’t have one of their many events in the park going on, the demographic alone makes for a good spot for a midnight stroll. All of their bonus facilities and scenery may put it in the running for one of Chicago’s top park districts, but we’ll find that out after taking on the remaining parks of the west side. With the weather finally warming up what better time. I’d rather do these during the day for the full experience, but personally, after not having to deal with all of the families in the park, dog walkers, and other daytime activities tonight I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Thank you to those currently sitting on a hot toilet seat right now and hopefully I will see you next stroll.