Who Would Be On The Barstool All-Drinking Team?
Office holiday parties are one of the trickiest types of social gatherings to navigate. You have to be professional enough so that you’re not embarrassed to go into work the next day, but loose enough so your coworkers know you’re not the same miserable prick you are in the office day in and day out. The key is finding the balance between being professional and being fun.
Obviously, the Barstool “corporate atmosphere” is a little different than most, but the same rules apply. Which got me thinking…if I were to assemble a Barstool All-Drinking Team, who would it be? Here are my top ten pre-tonight’s office party:
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10. Double Vodka Don
I had to include Don on the list based on his sheer size. I mean, he’s fucking huge. He also literally gave himself the nickname “Double Vodka Don.” I’ve never seen him drink, but based on his BMI he has to be able to drink more alcohol than Landfill from the movie Beer Fest.
9. Kate
Enough said.
8. Uncle Chaps
More of a high society drinker, but he enjoys a cocktail nonetheless.
8. Rear Admiral (tie)
You simply can not have an accent like that and not be able to drink an entire case of Bud Heavies. It comes with the territory. He’s also lived in Charlestown his entire life so I’m assuming he started drinking at the age of five.
7. Trent
Cornfed. Iowan. A rap sheet that includes public intoxication.
6. The Entire Hard Factor crew
I don’t know anything about these guys, but I haven’t been able to get this photo out of my head since I saw it a few weeks ago. If they can’t drink I’ll eat my words, but all signs point to yes.
5. Smitty
Smitty drinks like he has something to prove. If you have three beers he has four. It’s that constant one-ups-manship that makes him not only an unbelievable hardo, but number five on this list.
4. Shaun Latham
He’s a forty-year-old bachelor who parties like he’s twenty-five. A few weeks ago we were out to eat and he started pouring sake into his beer. I joined him, but woke up with a three-day hangover and a case of the runs that lasted for a week. He’s also pushing 220lbs which never hurts. Although, the crazy part about drinking with Shaun is that his eyes turn straight after he has a few cocktails.
3. Loud Sean
I don’t know how much Sean can drink, but I know he likes to drink. And that’s half the battle. It’d be tough being around him once he got going because he’s blow your ear drums out, but he’d definitely knock them back.
2. Donnie
The Chinese aren’t typically drinkers, but Donnie’s an exception. He’s not the kind of guy that needs a cocktail to enjoy a hoon either. Some people call that disgusting, I call it old-school. He’s drank all over the world and still isn’t too good to enjoy a Natty Light on the Amtrak from New York to Providence.
1. Large and Willie
Not only do these two weigh a combine six-hundred and seventy-five pounds, but they’re experienced like Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra. Willie spent ten years in the NFL and drinks like a whale shark skimming krill off the ocean surface. Large once casually mentioned to me that he’s spilled more champagne in his life than I’ve tasted and I believed him. Days of the week don’t matter to either of these guys. They’ll go out on a Tuesday and show up to do radio on a Wednesday like nothing happened. Its incredible.
So that’s the top ten drinking list. There are several people on second floor that I wanted to include but didn’t because it’s “against the rules.” Make sure to listen to Barstool Breakfast tomorrow morning for a full recap of the Barstool Office Party.