The rules for Mario Kart Drunk Driver (Barstool Company Handbook ftw!) are stated as follows: Finish consuming your drink before you cross the finish line (in Beerio Kart it’s generally accepted you must remain stationary and not in motion while downing said beverage – totally different strategy). If there’s liquid still left in your cup it’s ground for automatic disqualification, and in some cultures, termination and evisceration. So during our 2nd video game test show seen above between myself, Clem, and that Aussie from Barstool Idol who I’m
pretty 100% sure is in this country illegally, we had an absolute Photo Finish to decide the winner of the tournament. Sure, I can let it go and concede to the mighty Clem, but I have a little thing called pride. And by pride I mean a completely spiteful competitive impulse to the point where it has ruined relationships and drained my bank account. So let’s go to the tape:
Hmm. Stool gal Maria declares me the winner, but honestly I can’t tell. It does look like the Clem-Slamma-Jamma comes down a split second after Yoshi crosses the line. But then again, my eyes have been blinded by the clear stench of failure my entire life. Let’s Let’s Zapruder this shit and go by this frame by frame:
Ball don’t lie. Neither does the eye in the sky. Pics 3-4 clearly show the big man wasn’t finished, cup down, by the time he crossed the finish line. Therefore, suck it, Cumzingous. This match has been protested and a replay will be needed to decide the new victor, for I am still king.
PS – Barstool Gametime will be launching tomorrow night. No, it will not be us jabroni’s playing Mario Kart. The test shows were done from a technological standpoint. We’ll be doing everying. Follow/Subscribe @BarstoolSports on Twitch and prepare for war.