I Haven't Been Paying Attention To Anything At The Office Today But Anyways, I'm Starting A Union At Barstool And These Are My Demands

Some people might say, “Kate, this is not the time. Have you talked to Dave lately?” Or, “Kate, you don’t fully understand what a union is & what they do, which is a disgrace.” But has ignorance and/or bad timing ever stopped me from speaking out?

No.

So I am starting a Barstool Union and these are my demands, and what I believe the demands of my fellow content personnel would be if I had asked them:

-Secret staircase from our kitchen to the business floor kitchen on 3rd, so it’s easier to steal their cups & snacks when we run out.

-Small, decorative tree in the ladies bathroom for ambiance, along with a couple shelves for our toiletries/curling irons/straighteners.

-Four-square court painted on the floor near my desk & basket nearby for bushel of kickballs.

-Cool robots.

-Exercise bike outside the radio room to get the blood pumpin’ & energy high before we go in there & talk.

-Ice cream sundae party every Wednesday around noon (to help get over the mid-week slump & stunt to people who don’t work here that we get free ice cream for no reason sometimes.)

-Allowed to ride scooters around in here again.

-Five mulligans to avoid firings on major screw ups.

For any coworkers interested in joining, my Venmo is open & it’s only a few grand per year.

Also, while I’m at it, think of the content. Dave goes against the Barstool Union & hires scabs to come in & undermine us with non-union blogs, and we inevitably brawl with them all around the office under the camera feeds. Click City. I can imagine Marty Mush & Big Ev blowing up a giant inflatable rat out front & shouting at guests who come in. Plus, we’ve already got hoodies & bumper stickers… Thinking of the Philly unions I know of, that’s a major part of it.

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When you join, you have my word – I won’t back down until I get the green light on everything on this list, or until I get word that this didn’t go over well & I “need to stop”.