NBCMiami – A Florida man was arrested after he attacked his uncle with a toilet seat lid, authorities said. Norris Troutman, 20, was arrested on an aggravated battery charge related to the Jan. 9 attack, according to a St. Lucie County Sheriff’s report obtained by TCPalm.com. According to the report, a deputy responded to Troutman’s Fort Pierce home and met with the uncle, who said he was watching television when he heard “someone running down the hallway from the bathroom.” The uncle said Troutman had grabbed the toilet seat lid from the bathroom’s window sill and “struck him in the back of his head with a toilet seat lid,” the report said. The attack was unprovoked, the uncle claimed. Troutman admitted he hit his uncle because the 48-year-old man was “mocking” him, the report said.
Toilet seat is such an underrated weapon. It’s a good shield, but also easy to attack your enemies with. I like this guy’s thinking. When you gotta cover all bases, you get the toilet seat. A+ execution. Plus there’s no recovering from getting your brains bashed in with a toilet seat. It’s like getting dunked on in a game of street ball, you just gotta go. Get off the court and take your sorry ass home, your ass just got beat up by the thing I use to stabilize my ass when I’m taking a poop.
But let’s just take a moment and reflect on one particular part of this story. “Troutman had grabbed the toilet seat lid from the bathroom’s window sill“. That’s so fucking next level it hurts. Like, I get not wanting to put the toilet paper on the little holder thing, that takes upwards of 15-20 seconds, nobody has time for that. But not putting the toilet seat on the toilet and instead stashing it on the window sill, that’s ridiculous. You simply cannot go through life like that. It’s so high level thinking that my mind can’t even process it.