MMBM: Move Over Shaquem Griffin, Roger Goodell Runs 5.41 50 Despite Being Born Without A Soul
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The combine in Indianapolis is in full swing, and folks from outside the closest NFL circles are left wondering just what exactly a combine is. Well first of all its called a combine because it combines journalists favorite two activties of drinking and wearing lanyards for a week. And let me tell you its a place were alot of team personsel and media members congregate to booze it up and then all agree to tell there bosses how valuable it was so they get to do it again next year. So in order to convince people that actual work is going on, every one just agrees to get together and invent dumb storylines so it sounds like theres something happening. This year perhap’s the biggest news besides the fact that The Browns are trying to draft Josh Allen with both the number one and four picks is that Lamar Jackson is refusing to learn a brand new position in 2 days so that a few teams can image what hed look like at Wide Recever.
Alot of people are screaming racism but Rob Parker will tell you this is a major red flag for the Seattle Seahawks since maybe Lamar isnt black enough to be there QB since he wont try out as a Wide Recever.
But this morning NFL Network Host Rich Eisent and NFL Commissoner Roger Goodell added another wrinkle to the mess as Goodell ran the 40 at the NFL league office and his time of 5.41 makes me wonder how come hes refusing to workout as a WR as well?
What does Monday morning in your office look like?
#5.41 #runcommishrun @nflcommish @NFLprguy pic.twitter.com/7anzxwOAaF
— Samantha Rapoport (@samrap10) March 5, 2018
Tremendous hussle from the Commish here. While many people are applauding Shaq Griffin out of National Champion UCF for setting the combine on fire depsite not having a left hand, the real hero here is Roger Goodell blazing his own path even though he lacks a soul and many would also say a heart.
Some are questoning Goodells flexibilty given that he refused to participate in drills as a secretery or XFL commissoner but I am here to let you know that you dress for the job you want not the job you have and with finishing speed like that, Roger Goodell appears to be more suited to become the next head basketball coach at Lousiville. Also sprinting down a hallway in a suit away from all the people who depend on you to make good decicsons could mean he’s throwing his hat in the ring for President of ESPN.
What Goodell dosent know since he’s a lawyer is the fact that by competing in the combine, Goodell has legally declared himself elgible for the 2018 NFL draft, meaning that Jerry Jones if he chooses can draft Roger Goodell, force him to attend OTAs and training camps, keep him on the 53 man roster and fine him for missing time. Hell he could force Goodell to particpate in ride-alongs with Papa John until his rookie contract expires if he wanted to
Its a rare slight misstep for Goodell who is more use to making major screw ups then minor ones. Jerry could draft him and force him to play QB and only call 7 step dropbacks with minmal protection until he gets killed and Jones can install Chris Christie as head of the transition team.
Tough Break Roger.
Road Grader of the Week: USA Rugby Sevens
Friend of the show Danny Barrett helped US domnate the entire world like we’re suppose to over the weekend with huge wins verse Australia, Spain, Fiji, Argentina, and other countrys that arent as good as USA.
Watch this guy Perry Baker here its essentally the perfect run except for the fact he could of taken a knee at the five instead of killing the drive on a 126 meter try. I only understand the metric system when its in refrence to drugs that Im purchasing or how much money I’m donating to a fun run depending on how attractive the people asking me for sponserships are but this seems like a very long distance to run at a given time:
TEN THINGS I KNOW I KNOW
1. Its the year of missing fingers as Wicsonsins Troy Fumugalli is missing a pinkie and Shaqueem Griffin out of UCF is missing a entire hand. Ive said it before but maybe its better for a player to be missing a hand depending on the system youd like him to run. Statisticaly Griffin is 50% less likely to develop butterfingers, and his decidedly un-milleneal upbringing suggests he brings more physicalty since he never grew up playing two-hand touch.
2. If youll bear with me I have more analysis of Shaq Griffin. Without a left hand some would say hes at a disadvantage I would disgree. Part of the reason why I like Josh Allen and his big hands is that hes able to fit more rings on there. With Shaq however his use of negative space means he could technicaly fit infinity rings. I also think theres a element of suprise there- when a offensive lineman engages him maybe the OL will be suprised and just impolitely stare at Shaq wondering how come he dosent have any fingers, ironicaly giving Griffin the upper hand.
Some are suggesting that perhaps Shaq is reincanation of a man who got caught stealing in Saudi Arabia but having a famly history of taking oil that dosent belong to you just means your more likely to get drafted too high by the Cleveland Browns, or at the very least become Presdent. Speaking of Saudi Arabian fingers and toes, you can take Troy Fumagalli off Pete Carrolls big board after he finds out that 19 out of 20 of his have a connection.
3. Saquon Barkley put on a show at the combine by basicaly being better then anyone at every position at every drill. Kind of a jack of all trades master of none situation and the NFL is a specilzation league. I would shy away from drafting Barkley since he could alienate his teamates by being better then they are at everything. Now coaches are threatening to punch themselves in the nuts repeatedly just for the chance to get him. I kind of like this idea in allmost a draft auction type format to see who can withstand the most pain for the guy they want the most. Obvous frontrunner for the first overall pick would be Jason Garrett since if he wanted to hit himself in the nuts the only pain he would feel is the embarassment from having to ask Jerry Jones where he keeps the mason jar that theyre kept in.
4. The ongoing saga of LeVeon Bell continues as Pittsburg are expected to put a franchise tag on him again, kicking off Trumps trade war against Steelers. Ive long maintained that if you get the franchise designation you should be force to physicaly wear a tag during the year like a animal thats being tracked to study its breeding habits. All those years in San Diego would of been just exceptonally informative if we had a GPS on Antonio Cromarties scrotum before the batterys ran out.
5. Josh Allen and Sam Darnold got caught in a revolving door together which is a nice metaphor for there careers if they get drafted by the Browns, and it turns out during there time locked in the entrance they fell deepley in love and are now going to become swingers and spend a romantic vacation together hanging out with Bill Parcells to discus football. Josh and Sams exellent adventure is the start of a budding bromance the NFL didnt know it needed. The NBA has its banana boat and now the NFL has two guys who got trapped in a doorframe together.
6. Lets check in on Josh Rosen as teams are trying there hardest to see if he’s too smart to be a good player in the NFL. My main concern with Josh Rosen is that his head is so filled with brains that its kind of a red flag for future concussion problems. I’ll put it this way- you woudnt expect FDR to twist a ankle, or Shaq Griffin to develop carpel-tunnel, or Bill Belchick to have a heart attack.
Another way to look at it woud be to as who were our nations two smartest Presdents- probably Lincoln and Kennedy right? Total ticking time bomb. I want a guy whose got a lower IQ and a higher WE-Q.
Also Rosens had a hot tub installed in his college dorm which tell’s me he values relaxing a little too much. Darnold meanwhile was to busy avoiding red flag warnings as a surfer in Southern Calfornia- so unlike Rosen, even when he’s bathing he’s exercising- just a phenomnal workrate.
For those of you who might be curous about why you should consider drafting Josh Rosen, please visit www.DraftJoshRosen.com
I love this idea right here. Who blinks first? Blinking is a cousin of sleeping which is a cousin of death which is a cousin of being reborn as a nerd. Honestley it sounds like the Seahawks were all just hungover and they saw a punter on there list and they said lets just not say anything and see how long it takes him to leave the room. Giving a punter the silent treatment is just good prepration for being in the NFL where no one will want to talk to you ever so its importent to find out now rather than later if this guys got NFL makeup.
8. Josh Allen contines to amaze. In additon to throwing a ball 70 yards in the air without really trying, he also alphad the bejesus out of Dan Marino:
Can only mean that Josh Allens eye contact is so precise that he dosent even get a good look there fingers. Growing up in Wyoming your taught at a young age to assume that every adult man is John Elway until proven otherwise just in case you happen to meet him. Couple quick ways to tell if your talking with Elways or a horse- the horse can win a superbowl without Terrel Davis, and also if hes having sex with you missionary its Dan Marino since Elway can only come from behind.
9. Its time to ask if Merril Streep is being punished by the film gods for her attack on football at last years Oscars. Merril has become the Buffalo Bills of Best Actress catgory by losing so many of her nominations and you cant help but wonder if maybe she lost her clutch gene when she went after the NFL. It also makes you wonder how come shes never released a film on All-22 probably shes afraid that we could see all the other stuff happnening that makes her look so great on screen and we’ll realize shes overated.
10. Quick update on Jerry Joneses ongoing battle against Roger Goodell. A Texas oil man like Jerry knows better then anyone about how to fight a decades-long battle against windmills and his latest step of appealling to Roger Goodell about why Roger Goodell shoudnt fine him millions in legal fees is exactley what youd expect. In order to convince the league to not make Jerry Jones give up a bunch of cash that he was probably going to spend on escorts and overpaying Dak Prescot he needs to drum up support from some other owners. If Jones is Don Quixote then Irsay is Don Peyote and Id want to recuit him if I’m Jones simply because it would look like a cool bunch to be involved with in a coup against Goodell.