Everything You Need To Know About The Hottest Nunes Of The Year
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I’m not stupid, I know that despite the scorching political takes I bring exactly once a week, most people are not coming to Barstool for in-depth analysis of the inner machinations of Congress. If I’m going to compete with wall-to-wall Super Bowl coverage this week, I’ve got to get creative with headlines to grab people’s attention. For those of you who clicked because upon first glance you thought the headline said nudes, we’re talking about something arguably even more exciting, California Congressman Devin Nunes.
Once an obscure Congressman from the Fresno area, Nunes has vaulted to national prominence as one of the key figures in the Trump-Russia investigation, the ongoing saga that let’s #Resistance Twitter feel like a Jason Bourne-Sherlock Holmes hybrid and makes mainstream conservatives wish the world would just fucking end already. After months of decrying Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of the Trump administration as a partisan witch-hunt, Nunes did what any government employee would do when they know they need to do something productive but don’t want to do any actual work, he wrote a memo.
According to reporting by Politico, the memo “alleges that senior FBI officials improperly used a secret surveillance program, commonly known as FISA, to target the Trump campaign in 2016. It is believed that the memo portrays bureau officials as overstepping agency rules in their investigation of Carter Page, a former Trump campaign aide, and his ties to Russian officials, while carrying out their probe of foreign interference in the 2016 election.”
Wow, lot to digest there. For those not in the know, the FBI is a notoriously liberal federal law enforcement organization the works part of the year persecuting conservative politicians and spends its summers selling t-shirts in Seaside Heights and Ocean City. In the memo, Nunes allegedly claims that they improperly used Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) warrants to target Carter Page, a mid-level Trump official who was hired due to his uncanny ability to convincingly plead ignorance to any wrongdoing.
The Nunes memo has become one of the most talked about news stories in the country, and has become the main topic of conversation at a retreat held this week among GOP leaders in West Virginia. The retreat was supposed to be a fun getaway for Republican lawmakers — filled with team-building exercises, happy hours, and Blake Farenthold trying to get one of the other members drunk enough to go to second base — but has instead become a divisive affair, pitting Trump loyalists, who want the memo released, against the moderate pro-business wing of the party, who just want to talk about tax cuts with the frequency and enthusiasm of a sixteen year old talking about how he just had sex for the first time.
President Trump is eager to release the memo, which will both show that the FBI has been engaged in overtly partisan investigations, and will also distract from the fact that he has continuously been accused of being engaged in an extra-marital affair with pornstar Stormy Daniels, who is at least ten years past her prime. Hopefully for Trump, the memo’s release will divert the nation’s attention long enough for him to find a younger, more relevant pornstar like Riley Reid or Carter Cruise to have an affair with.
Coverage of the memo has largely ignored the deleterious effect it has had on morale within the halls of the FBI. Hundreds of young, enthusiastic agents — who long dreamed of a career kicking in doors of drug dealers, leading mob bosses on perp walks, and infiltrating Muslim student groups on college campuses — now spend most of their days fielding angry, incoherent phone calls from Sean Hannity and Alex Jones demanding that they allow the Nunes memo to be made public and also release all evidence that Congressional Democrats are reptilian overlords.