So I’m not sure exactly when everything went down, but things seem to be getting testy between the cities here at Barstool. We have potshots being taken, team beats being cucked, and just general shit being talked between different bloggers from different cities. Which got me thinking. What if a huge Royal Rumble broke out between the cities and only one city would be left standing? Lets do a quick breakdown of all this.
Now as Barstool has grown into a company valued at $100 million (seriously that is unfuckingbelievable), so has the amount of writers handling the site. There are wayyyyyy too many people for me to cover since so many people contribute to the blog. There are also plenty of people that do content and are associated with cities that don’t write on the actual blog. So if I leave somebody out, it’s purely because I’m an idiot or I tried to keep this blog somewhat concise. I also grouped everyone by the city they write for, which most people don’t even realize is still a thing unless they check the URL after the Devnest killed the city color sites.
Now lets break down the cities.
Like many people, I love Trent. Trent is as great of a guy as he is a karaoke performer.
But since he is a lone wolf in Iowa, he has pretty much no chance of winning a Royal Rumble against 29 of the
toughest strongest funniest bloggers I know unless everyone eliminates each other and he is the last man standing like Don Cheadle during the donut shop scene in Boogie Nights.
The first group of scrappers we have hail from the DMV. I have been lucky enough to meet and drink with both RDT and Banks. Nice guys that I wouldn’t mind having on my side in a scrap. But not exactly guys I’m feeling confident going into battle with. Glenny is technically a part of DMV, but I’m pretty sure Glenny has never been in a fight in his life. And then we have the Spider Monkey that I think got this whole Barstool City Civil War started. What Nate lacks in size he more than makes up for in spunk. Don’t judge the size of the spider monkey in the fight, judge the size of the fight in the spider monkey definitely applies here. But a lot of fight inside your body doesn’t win the Royal Rumble.
Moving up I-95, we have the Philly crew. I will always expect someone from Philly to be 30% tougher than expected and fight 300% dirtier than expected. I don’t know what there is to say about Philadelphia fans that hasn’t been said by every single non-Philly fan on Earth and then attempted to be debunked by a Philly fan over the last 48 hours. I think they should just own their rep. Smitty gets the blockhead rep, but he is one of the few Barstool bloggers that was an athlete in college AND still in decent shape now. He has been training for Rough N Rowdy 2, which clearly helps his cause. He also has ended up in a beef with a different Barstool personality everyday this week, including now an ex-NFL offensive lineman. Smitty’s best skill seems to be painting a bullseye on his back. Not great!
Jordie is a Hockey Guy, which means he’s Hockey Tough. And his creepy infatuation with enforcers makes him at least decent at fighting by osmosis. And Rone is a two-time battle rap champion that is able to take down rappers with words. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Rone will make you want to kill yourself.
Philly is definitely a force. However due to numbers and the fact that in the end, Philadelphia always loses, these guys don’t have what it takes to win the Rumble.
I don’t know what the fuck to make out of the rag tag crew of Barstool U. They are led by our Editor-In-Chief, who has been rumored to be a serial killer of porn stars and is on the record saying he wishes he could electrocute people that made fun of him. Francis first made his mark at Barstool by blogging about death with the glee of me blogging about the latest fast food concoction and his thoughts may make KMarko’s seem like Saturday morning cartoons. Donnie is part of The U as well, probably because Keith knows all his videos are must watch and he is stacking those view numbers. I respect it. Donnie strikes me as a guy who won’t fight often, but once he does, he’s a fucking crazy person. Or crazier than usual. Pretty much a Bruce Banner, Incredible Hulk situation but with less muscles and more Bostonian accent. Gay Pat was the ringer the Chippewas needed to beat Team Barstool in basketball, but tall, lanky guys don’t perform nearly as well in Royal Rumbles. Reags and Intern Jack Mac are both good at covering their respective college sports. But in a scrum with manyyyyyy heavyweight bloggers, this isn’t the forum for them. And even though he doesn’t blog, I guess I could include Tex on The U. But since he is 0 and forever in fights at Barstool, I don’t think Barstool U will be adding him to the active roster.
Hubbs is also technically a part of Barstool U as well as New York, but since he’s a Yankees, Packers, Federer fan, I figure he will just fight for whatever side is winning at that point.
Next up we have the original Barstool city: Boston. Obviously Pres built this thing brick by brick and was a five-star athlete from the ages of 8-18. But he is now Skinny Dave and on the wrong side of 40, so he doesn’t bring as much to a Royal Rumble as he would in the past. Feitelberg seems to be looking to get in shape during the New Year, likely because he has some old shirt that is back in style and he wants to fit into it. Feits clearly has a dark side to him and is also no stranger to fights.
Since Dave is Barstool’s Vince McMahon, Boston has a ton of other people on his payroll. He has Riggsy, who at least looks like someone you wouldn’t want to fuck with. Going to Harvard removes a few toughness points but playing hockey at Harvard adds a few back on, as does having Cousin Michael and Cousin Murray as managers. Carrabis would be a big plus in a weightlifting contest. But I don’t know if those muscles are popcorn or not. Robbie Fox knows a lot about the squared circle and loves challenging people to the octagon, but I would imagine he would get tossed out of the ring immediately like Jazzy Jeff in a Fresh Prince episode.
I’m only like halfway through Boston at this point too. Jerry Thornton always seems ready to take on the world in the name of New England, but he is also the oldest person in the ring by probably a decade. YP’s ass is probably the strongest muscle at Barstool and he would take 100 Stone Cold Stunners for
the team Dave. Greenie writes 5,000 word blogs about Celtics preseason scrimmages, so he clearly has some fight in him. Millmore is a cartoonist with the most devious mind at Barstool. Hank is 1-0 in Rough N Rowdy fights, but I imagine he would be torn between Boston, where Dave gave him a start as well as countless sleepless nights, and Chicago with his Pardon My Take allies. I haven’t even gotten to RA yet, who is from Southie and probably been in the most donnybrooks at the Stool. If Coley wasn’t living on his own island in Viral City, he could be what pushes Boston over the top. But there’s just not enough mmmmmph in Boston for me and I feel like there is always a chance for a mutiny once Portnoy started ripping into his troops, especially the guys that lives through the Milton office days.
Truth be told, Heartland is almost unfair. They have an entire new, humongous HQ to themselves while all the other Barstool cities are stuck sitting on top of each other and feuding on a 24/7 reality show. At this time last year, Pat McAfee was still a professional athlete, he literally owns a wrestling ring, wants to become a professional wrestler, and may be the best motivational speaker I’ve ever heard. $20 Chef is a former prison guard and hungry for an Rough N Rowdy II victory. The Vibbs strikes me as that quiet skinny guy you don’t want to fuck with. McComas used to be a cop. And Digs just looks like a dude that could fuck somebody up. Add in the rest of the Heartland army and the stereotypical Midwestern farm boy strength that people get by living out there (this is admittedly all likely in my head) and the Heartland squad are definitely a force in The Rumble. Being the new team however hurts their case. I’ve watched enough episodes of The Challenge on MTV to know that the fresh meat always gets targeted first.
First on the contenders list is Chicago. Much has been made of Big Cat’s weight gain over the years. But having a little extra cushion for the pushing could help him from getting thrown over the top rope. Dan’s hetero life partner PFT may not be tall, but he strikes me as a scrapper. More accurately, he strikes me as a biter when the chips are down. You always want to have a biter on your side in a fight. Chaps is a former marine with a brain that can best be described as, ummm, unique. That’s not somebody you want to fuck with. Chief is a good guy with great hair, but sometimes I feel like he may be one of those guys that worries about getting hit in the face or messing up his hair. Carl and White Sox Dave are the pitbulls any great team needs to win. Same with Gas Money Bob, except I think he only thrives in Bear Weather. Sam’s Army may blog about a sport many people don’t see as tough, but do you want to tangle with a soccer hooligan? I don’t think so. There are really no noticeable weaknesses on Chicago and I’d install them as the favorites if I didn’t think so highly of the next team.
And here we have it. The clear favorites of The Rumble. You have your boy KFC, the most miserable son of a bitch in Barstool history even before the last month of shit. I said PFT strikes me as a biter. Well Kevin Francis Clancy strikes me as a biter, a fish hooker, and a dude that would punch you in the nuts without thinking twice about it. I’d expect Ric Flair level of shenanigans out of KFC. 610 is our Kevin Nash. I don’t know if 610 is actually 6’10” or not, but he is a big boy that has likely powerbombed people in real life fights. Con Isles is a Mets/Islanders fans, so I don’t know if any physical violence can even hurt him. I’ve never been in a fight, which some may say would hurt my case. But I think the opposite. I don’t know when to stop. I think if I got the upperhand in a fight, I would just keep bashing the person until he died. I’m also have a at least a bill or two on most of the bloggers I’ve mentioned and a guy my size isn’t easy to dispose of over the top rope. We also have Hubbs in our corner whenever we are doing well, which can’t be discounted since he definitely seems like a guy that would bring Mr. Fuji throwing salts to a fight. If we open this up to podcasters and radio personalities, we add the aforementioned Willie Colon as well as Captain Cons, who despite losing an arm wrestling contest to Cory from The Challenge, is still a former D1 quarterback, Army Captain, and actually in shape.
And what happens if things go sour and New York is in trouble? Well there is one person that will always bail us out and will not be easy to throw over the top rope. That’s right, I’m talking about the baddest man on the planet. The Earthquake to my Typhoon. Frank the Motherfucking Tank!
As always, Barstool is a democracy. So vote below on who you think would win a Barstool Royal Rumble (click here if you have trouble voting on the app)