Apple Admits They Slow Down Old iPhones With Software Updates When New iPhones Are Released

CNN- Apple has acknowledged what many iPhone owners long suspected: It has slowed older phones. The tech giant issued a rare statement of explanation on Thursday, saying that it has used software updates to limit the performance of older iPhones and prevent them from shutting down unexpectedly.

Tech analysts and angry customers have reported in recent days that operating system updates had caused older iPhones to slow considerably, with some suggesting that Apple could be using the tactic to encourage fans to buy new phones. Apple insists the updates were made with a different goal in mind: It said the performance of lithium-ion batteries degrades over time, which can sometimes cause phones to suddenly shut down in order to protect their components.

JOBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS!!!! You no good motherfucker! Come out from wherever you and Tupac are secretly running the world from and apologize to us! This entire time I thought my old iPhone just felt like a poor person’s phone after trying whatever new iPhone just hit the streets. It turns out that Apple was willingly turning my phone into some slow ass poor person phone. For shame, Apple. For shame! If you can’t trust giant corporations in this world, who can you truly trust? Forget about net neutrality. Apple has been fucking us up in the ass with phone neutrality and throttling the shit out of us. And don’t give me that whole “slow down to save the battery” shit. I’m sure the wizards that created the iPhone and the kabillion things it is capable of doing can create a battery that will last longer on old iPhones. I’m supposed to believe that my phone can tell me what song is playing in 3 milliseconds when Shazam is open also needs to move at a snail’s pace so the battery doesn’t go into cardiac arrest? Fuck that nonsense.

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That being said, there’s no way I could ever leave iPhone. I’m hooked to the blue bubbles and being synced with my Macbook. Guess I just have to drop a G or so every other year so my phone doesn’t move like a dial up connection. I don’t love it, but the game’s the game yo.