Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Sports is buzzing this morning with storys about powerful people being forced to step down from there jobs, but in the rush to pile on (no offense to Derek Carr) Jerry Richardson, many people are losing sight of the fact that nothing he did was really even his fault even if he did it.
Dr. Richardson has been in poor health for some time now and endured a successful heart transplant back in 2009, so its quite possble from a medical standpoint that Jerry Richardsons new heart he received a few years back is the evil one here and its causing Jerry to act out. Michael Jackson past away in 2009 and was a organ donor. I’m not saying, but you can do the math. Its like when Brian Uhrlacher got a hair transplant from literaly anyone else in Chicago and now all the sudden he can criticize Jay Cutler. While I brought this up on the podcast, it appear’s Jerry Jones is here to back me up on it, saying “hes a big man with a big heart- and thats someone else’s heart – hes had a heart transplant.” By that logic Jerry cant get in trouble for winking, grinning, or ripping lines of blow off a escorts ass in his Childrens Hospital Suite since technicaly thats someone elses face.
One thing is for sure- the dead guys whose heart Jerry Richardson has should never be aloud to own a NFL team. Instead, the state of North Carolina should look to local leaders without all the baggage to consult with Jerry and keep his heart from taking over his decison-making. Perhaps someone like John Edwards could serve as his moral compass.
Jerry Richardson is too powerful to ever sexually harrass someone. If he wanted to cop a feel all he would have to do is approach one of his employees who would feel powerfless to say anything for fear of losing there job and just start grabbing- no need to coerce anyone. To imply he’d need to sexually harrass women is a slap in the face to capitalism which tells us that the boss gets to do more stuff then the employee. In addition, Jerry Richardsons is simply incredibly attractive. I dont care what the rule book says- just because Jerrys old balls touch the ground that dosen’t mean he’s not a catch.
Most importantly from a legal standpoint Its disgusting that the NFL is forcing Jerry Richardson into retiring when he dosen’t want to just because there in a position of power over him. What is Jerrys contract with the NFL written on toilet paper? Its time for guarenteed contracts for NFL owners or else no one will want to own a football team. I cant think of a single billonaire who would want to bid on a NFL team if they can have it taken away from them just because there power-hungry megalomaniacs. And now would you look at this?
I dont use the c-word lightly but Colin Kapernick is colluding against Jerry Richardson. Never seen a more clear cut example of this in my life. Kapernick is driving down the resale market of NFL franchises by implying that he would be aloud to bid on one. Can you imagine a franchise where there fans have to walk around all the time thinking about how they got owned by Colin Kapernick- I mean besides the Green Bay Packers. Or picture a NFL owners meeting where Kap witholds his vote on public funding for Dan Snyders new stadium/megachurch for himself until the league mandates that instead of the national anthem, both teams have to stand for Rage Against The Machines self titled album in its entirety.
This is bringing about one of my favorite thing’s in sports- when a pro team is up for sale. Given the cost of a team being in the 1-2 billion dollar category there are only like 30 people in the united states who can buy a team. I think the Panthers should consider doing a contest like one of those car sale’s were the person who can keep there hand on a car long enough gets to go home with it except something tells me Richardson would win that contest too given how much time he spends with his hand on other peoples seatbelts.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Carolina Panthers Fan
Im 100% serous when I say that this photograph is the best agrument I’ve ever seen in opposition to North Carolinas bathroom laws. Even the biggest bigot in the world takes one look at this and thinks “well ok this is pretty cool” and boom all that other transphobia stuff is instantley cured.
Hand up I got fooled by it this is fake new’s its actually a oil painting hanging up in Jerry Richardson’s office
10 Things I Know I Know
1. John Skipper, whose name literally translates to “toilet captain” has resinged from ESPN effective immediately citing substance addiction issues. It seems that John Skipper had a addiction to something besides jerking me around and Im glad he’s getting treatment for it. Full disclosure I met with Mr Skipper for about a hour after the debut of BVT and he was very polite and I can see why alot of people like him as a person even if you disgree with his decision to cancel playmakers.
The big knock verse Skipper is that he didnt see alot of stuff coming like the internet, smartphones cord cutting, etc. but you know who allways knows thats happeneding ahead of time? Thats right, the Swami. This could be the right time for the once and future king Chris Berman to come back back back back back back and help steady the ship. Of course I’ve heard alot of rumblings going aroudn that ESPN might make a logical landing spot for Jon Gruden if he’s looking to make that sort of change, or who knows he might just be using the ESPN opportunty to extract a few more million from ESPN.
The only other logcal option is to bring in the most qualfied experienced candidate when it comes to leading transitions. A man who knows how to play to a organizations core audience and energize everyone in-house: Thats right, ESPN should name Ed Orgeron Interim President. You cant tell me that the Weauxrldwide Leader In Speauxrts wouldnt be must see TV. New rules:
Out: Fire drills
In: Oklahoma drills
Out: water fountains
In: Red Bull IVs
Out: Golic and Wingo
In: Garlic and Gumbo
Out: cell phone reimbusements
In: Mike the Tiger lives on campus and hunts for his meal’s out in the courtyard, encouraging anchors to adopt more head-on-a-swivel tendencys and situational awareness.
Also James Carville becomes recurring guest on Pardon The Interrupton and David Duke get’s a segment on the Six where he tries to explain who the real racists are.
2. Dameire Byrd scored a cheeky TD for the Panthers in there loss verse the Packers yesterday:
One butt equals two feet is commonly known as the Rex Ryan rule and Byrd acted more like a dog dragging his butt all across a carpet in a effort to clinch. Call me crazy but Kristaps Porzingises and Jenn Selters lovechild could change the way football is played at the ironicaly named Tight End position.
3. The Jacksonville Jaguars are the best thing to come out of Florida since bath salts. There led by Captain Comeback himself Blake Bortles who has emerged as a serious MVP canidate to many. Quick Sabermetrics for you guys:
The advice he gave to Deshone was literally “try not to throw it to the other team” and folks it looks like the lesson sunk in for Blake. They say in order to truley master a subject you have to be able to teach it to someone else and this right here is proof in the pudding as the Jags are making a snack pack out of the AFC south and saying H-E-L-L-O to the playoffs for the first time in basicaly infinity years.
By the way the Jags Cialis Campbell stood on his head and had two more sacks
4. Jay Gruden was coaching for his job yesterday verse the Cardnals as Arians got invited to Washington for the first time since the deploraball. Ronde Barber was on comentary in DC and not once but twice did he refer to Kendall Fuller as Kendall Jenner possibly in a subcouncious effort to engineer a child with the genetics necessary to be the ultimate butt drag threat. I call this guy Ken Doll Jenner because he looks ok from a distance but in realty he lacks balls. By the way- thoughts and prayers are in order for Kirk Cousins
Ironicaly this wasnt the first time Sunday one of his drives stalled out because of a overpass
5. Lets go back and revisit the end of the Steelers Patriots game. First’ve all the fact that Gronk had 69 yards on the game winning drive is no more a coincdence than it is to say that its just a coincidence that Aaron Hernandez turned into a real bad guy with no moral compas after Danny Woodhead left the team. There was never any doubt that the Patriots were going to win once Gronk gets that look in his eye were he visualized his opponents as a bunch of RAs trying to make him tear down his Wild Things poster its literaly one of my favorite things about football.
After a 69 yard catch by JuJu Smith-Schuster the Steelers appeared to of taken the lead on a TD pass to the guy who is literally Heath Miller, but Heath didnt survive the ground no offense to that guy who invented the segway and drove it off a cliff.
Speaking of segues, then Big Ben slapped Greenwich Mean Time in the face and screwed up clocking it. Rothlisberger told the media that he was getting a call from his head phones to fake the spike, and the last time he had voices in his head telling him not to spike it it was just his conscous telling him to put the GHB away so its no wonder he got confused.
6. Looks like Brock Lee Harvey Osweiler is back standing as tall as the Texas Playbook Depository as he looked like a actual QB again verse the Colts. The problem Brocks faced in the past getting beat out by guys like Trevor Siemien and Deshone Kizer is that as a 6’7 guy its tough to look over your shoulder and see the other guy if hes under 6’3. Now that Paxton Lynch is behind him, Brock can elevate his own play even if Jim Irsay is high as a kite & closes the roof on LucasOil in a misguided attempt to make Brock bump his head on it.
7. In on the feild news in Carolina Sunday the Panthers continued to mow through there opponents like Cam Newton in a hat store. One of these days Mike McCarthy is going to have a heart attack on the sidelines given all the close games he manages to screw up combine with the fact he has a resting heart rate that’s basicaly the drum intro to hot for teacher. McCarthy did that thing were he turns into the Western Kentuck Hilltopper mascot and just yells at his wide recevers for not being good enough at running back for a hour and a half while Aaron Rogers trys to bail him out.
8. The end of the Cowboys Raiders game was decided by a index card measuring the chains and indicating Dallas had converted a clutch 4th and inches.
9. Heres Cam Newton again laughing at someone w long hair thinking they understand routes
Whatever happen to the concept of sportsmanship? I sincerely hope there werent children watching at home watching Cam make fun of his opponet for studying film and then using that against him. This was a pretty importent drive as well as the Packers were hoping to hold them to a field goal, so if Clay wanted to waste his time watching one film that would ruin a entire series I would of reccomended he go see Star Wars instead.
10. Tommy Bohannon pitched a equivlant of a perfect game for a fullback yesterday rushing for 2 TDs on 2 carries for 2 yds and finaly emerging as the running back the Jags have been searching for since MJD retired. Tommy Bohannon is such a heavy duty blue collar type guy I call him Toby Carhardt. Checked in with statcast on this and thats a whopping .5 Points Per Inch beaten only in NFL history by the time Brett Farve took a safety.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? The XFL Is Back!!! Maybe.
Vince McMahon is bringing back the XFL finally much to the chagrin of Obamas nonexistant hypothetical son whose not allowed or not tough enough to play football. The XFL scratched a itch that the NFL just couldnt reach- it was finally a football league were the players get hurt a lot and it gave fans that little dose of bloodlust to prove our masculinty by having contests to see who can watch the biggest injury without looking away. Im still waiting for Pfizer to bring back Thalidomide to treat insomnia, dont sleep on that being a real possbility.