Is This Thicc Ass Coco De Mer Seed Tryin To Get The Pipe?
Before we really get going, yes. The Coco De Mer Seed is more commonly known as the double coconut. It’s a monotypic genus in the palm family and when I first laid eyes on it, I nearly almost double coco nutted, folks.
Imagine if you will, you’re walking through the beautiful Seychelles islands on your yearly trek through your favorite tropical island chain. You’ve been coming since you were a kid. Why would you stop? It’s beautiful. Majestic even. Dare I say, divine?
This year feels different, though. The love of your life recently decided that she didn’t feel the same way anymore. Who knows why. Was it the cold way that you gazed into your phone at night? Would she rather you gaze upon her breasts instead of your timeline? Probably. “It’s not your fault,” you say to yourself as you hop over a tiny little island stream. You cant help that you don’t feel as sexy as you used to. In your thirties, it’s harder to keep the weight off. If you don’t feel sexy, you cant act sexy. You wish your former flame could have recognized that as well and given you a little time to work through things, but she has needs too. Sexual ones. But alas, you’re alone and taking advantage of another Groupon Deal that allows you to travel for less. Incredible prices.
The sounds of the island’s birds fill the air. You hear two specific birds singing more loudly than the others. You cant help but think they are singing their own love song. They are the avian version of Lionel Richie and Diana Ross in their early eighties smash hit Endless Love. The harmonies between the two birds take you aback. Nature’s melodies are truly mesmerizing.
You look up to tip your Patagonia hat to the two vocalists as a sign of tropical respect. That’s when you see it. It’s the Coco De Mar Seed. Goodness gracious.
Talk about lookin erotic as hell. A little fur on the nut never hurt anybody. You whisper under your baited breath, “M’M M’M good. I guess it’s not just for soup anymore, folks.” Speakin of soup, you’ve been on the island for 12 long days and if you don’t make your move now, you’ll have a cot full of clam chowder due to a nocturnal emission (wet dream).
You walk up to the CoCo De Mar Seed to make your move. You check her out. She checks you out. Fuck. You see that the Coco De Mar Seed is wearing a wedding ring. You’ve been heartbroken before. You cant do that to someone else. Although the tension is palpable, you head in the other direction. Tears flow down your face as you masturbate furiously under an enormous palm tree. You go home tomorrow. You’ll download Bumble when you get service again. “You’ll be fine,” you say to yourself as you clean the tip of your penis with a leaf. “You’ll be fine.”
Years later while reading Barstool Sports, you find out that the Coco De Mar Seed wears rings resembling wedding on their left ring finger just as a fashion statement. It’s not meant like western culture at all.
Shit: You could have gotten in those cocoguts all those years ago: Shit.