Your Oscar's Mega-Rewind

Charlize Theron throwing 101 on the radar.

Didn’t watch the Oscars? Cool, you didn’t have to, here is everything you missed and by that I mean I’m just going to make fun of some people and not actually talk about anyone who won anything. Let’s Go.

Jennifer Lawrence. You won’t believe this but she fell AGAIN! I know, it’s crazy, it’s almost like she’s doing this whole “I’m the cutest, most fun girl in Hollywood and I always fall because I’m not a princess” routine on purpose. Almost.

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Cone City

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Still hot as fuck

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Liza Manelli, nip show

Annnd I puked

Oh you thought we were done with old school titties? No no no.

Meryl Streep and Pharrell basically fucked in a really weird and uncomfortable way.

And Amy Adams got some sloppy seconds.

John Stamos showed up because he’s John fucking Stamos and he does whatever the fuck he wants

Bill Murray gave an awesome tribute to Harold Ramis

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The pizza jokes. Ellen’s big zinger of the night was ordering pizza and making all the celebs pay for it. It was LOL stuff.

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And people went nuts over it because America is stupid. Even got a comprehensive list of who ate pizza and who didn’t.  No seriously.

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Big win for Leo and Team Burrito, and the excuse train of course was speeding down the track.

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Then Ellen took a selfie that broke the internet.

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If only Bradley’s arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014

 

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No seriously, twitter broke because of this. Fucking Ellen.

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Big story though wasn’t who got in the picture, it was who didn’t. Poor Liza Manelli just trying to stay relevant.

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Poor Lucille 2, always the brides maid, never the bride

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Toss up, who had a worse on air performance.

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John Travolta’s fake hair

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Or Kim Novak’s face.

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Bonus, Travolta crushed the pronunciation of Idina Menzel’s name

 

 

 

Watch it Bitch you’re too close!

 

 

 

 

 

And the biggest winner of the entire night was Steve McQueen, not only for actually winning but for having the single most outrageous clap game in the world. Unparalleled. Enthralling. Hypnotic. Slap Hands!

 

 

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