THROWBACK: Turns Out President Clinton DID In Fact Have Sexual Relations With That Woman


August 17, 1998 – Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

Yooooo. Slick Willy. You ol’ motor boatin’ sonofabitch, you. I knew it. I knew you tapped that ass. And here’s the thing, you bitches. Why the hell wouldn’t hit?

Listen. I get that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a certified 10 or anything like that. But Bill Clinton is the President of the mother fucking United States of America. Dude is the leader of the free world. Do you realize how much you can pull with that kind of a title? No, you don’t. You can’t even begin to imagine what the @POTUS DM’s must look like at any given moment. Gotta have chicks sending you nudies in the DM’s 24/7/365. 366 in a leap year. But what sucks for every single President there ever was is that you pretty much have to be married to run for President. Honestly, I don’t think that makes any sense. Just look at Jaromir Jagr. The reason he’s been so good at his job for so long is because he’s married to the game. He doesn’t have a wife. He doesn’t have kids. He doesn’t have any real responsibilities besides being a stud on the ice. The same should go for the President of the United States but nobody is getting elected without a First Lady heading into the White House as well.

I guess it’s like the line from The Departed about marriage. “Married guy seems more stable. People see the ring they think “at least someone can stand the some of a bitch”. Ladies see the ring they know immediately you must have some cash and your cock must work”. But what I’m trying to get at here is that the President of the United States shouldn’t have to be a married guy. He’s got one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. You think your job as an accountant is stressful? Try having the fate of the entire free world at your fingertips. So after a long ass day of trying to keep the world from blowing up, maybe Slick Willy C just wants to get blown himself. From his wife? Shit no. Where’s the thrill in that? But from an intern who is of age for legal consent? Sure why not. If the thrill is going to be enough to take the edge off for the President, then I don’t see the problem in that. Would rather have the President getting a blowjob in the Oval Office rather than a President who has so much pent up sexual frustration that he constantly tries to get into a nuclear war with North Korea or some shit like that. Ya feel me?