Barstool’s Gold Cup Preview – Game 1: USA vs El Salvador
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space for Stoolies
Hi haters,
Tonight is the first game of the Gold Cup and oh boy am I excited!
“But wait, if this is the start of the Gold Cup then what were those USMNT games I have a distinct memory of watching for the past couple of weeks?”
Those, my friend, were just a bad dream. They were some warmup practice friendly-like games that taught us that perhaps the USA player pool may not be quite as deep as we once thought, but never mind that because player pools don’t win World Cups and bang hot bitcces. Starting XIs win World Cups and bang hot bitcces. So let’s forget about those distant memories – aside from the ones where Kelyn Rowe was coming out of nowhere (literally, that’s what the once-proud NE Revolution have become these days) and giving us soccer boners… those memories can stay, wipe all the rest of them away – and focus on the task ahead: winning the Gold Cup with a not-quite-but-pretty-close A-squad starting XI.
Miss you bae
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GOLD CUP
To get everybody up to speed, this is how the bracket looks right here right now at the official start of the Gold Cup:
Here are some things that I am not going to talk about in this post:
– The rightness/wrongness of allowing significant roster changes smack dab in the middle of a tournament
– The fact Honduras advanced to the knockout stages without scoring a goal
– An explanation for why Kelyn Rowe is not on the roster for today’s game OTHER than the possibility that Bruce Arena had a secret agreement in place with NE Revs coach Jay Heaps that he would do him the courtesy of sending Rowe back after the group stage no matter what
– My thoughts on who shined and who shit the bed during those warmup practice friendly-like games the USMNT played just prior to the Gold Cup (though I am considering putting together a blog outlining my thoughts on what the tip top starting XI [with backups] should be going forward sometime after the tournament… TBD)
– Anything related to games involving Mexico, Costa Rica, Canada or any other un-American nations
Here is what will be discussed: USA vs EL SALVADOR. So let’s get to it.
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USA vs EL SALVADOR
Time: 8:00 pm CT
TV: FS1
Location: Philadelphia
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El Salvador – Scouting Report
1-1 draw with Jamaica; 2-0 win over Curaçao and 1-3 loss to Mexico. With that record El Salvador still managed sneak into the quarterfinals as the weaker of the two 3rd place teams to advance. They have one danger guy in Nelson Bonilla (plays for Nacional in their domestic league). There’s really no reason why they should score though, and anyway – you may have heard me say this but it still holds true (for one more game at least) – this game ain’t even really about them.
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USTMNT
Quick reminder of the additions: Tim Howard, Jesse Gonzalez; Michael Bradley, Darlington Nagbe; Jozy Altidore; Clint Dempsey
Subtractions: Brad Guzan; Sean Johnson; Alejandro Bedoya, Christian Roldan; Dom Dwyer
Predicting the lineup for this game is a little easier this time around since you can be damn sure that Arena didn’t call the additions in – aside from newly Americanized GK Gonzalez – just to sit around with their puds in the hand on the sideline. So here is how I would like the starting XI to look:
THINGS TO WATCH FOR:
– Will Kelyn Rowe dress up as, say, Paul Arriola and sneak onto the field? My sources say no but I am putting Rowe in the lineup anyway as a conscientious objection to Arena’s unconscionable decision to send him home.
– Who gets the nod as the CB pairing? I would like to Besler and Miazga together but I have a strong suspicion that Bruce Arena will probably go with Omar Gonzalez over one of them because I have a brain. Gonzo did score a goal against Martinique so perhaps that makes up for looking lost on defense 95% of the time – not the kind of tradeoff that I would personally make with a CB but what do I know, I’m not a coach.
– Will Kellyn Acosta start and/or remember how to play soccer? He’s been bad lately. Perhaps playing with Bradley and Nagbe (and Rowe?) will help fix whatever it is that’s ailing him.
– Dempsey and Altidore are pretty much locked in.
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PREDICTION:
USA [-400]
El Salvador [+1100]
Draw [+475]
USMNT to win 3-0.
Get some
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And there we have it. Assuming the United States of America doesn’t take a ginormous watery poo all over our own face and somehow lose tonight, I’ll be back with another preview of the semifinals against Costa Rica on Saturday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, boys and girls.
Not flexing but totally flexing on El Salvador like…
Ps: congrats to everybody you who accurately recognized that our scraggly sweaty balls resting respectfully on Nicaragua and not El Salvador. Gold stars for both of you.
Holler,
Samuel Army