Definitely Not Gay Anti-Gay Guy Wants To Marry His Laptop

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Source – There is no constitutional right to marry a laptop, the Utah Attorney General’s Office said in a new court filing. Chris Sevier sued the state of Utah, arguing that if same-sex marriage is legal he should be allowed to marry his computer. He recently amended his lawsuit to include John Gunter, Jr., and Whitney Kohl, who are arguing for the right to enter into a polygamous marriage.

 Sevier is also asking a federal judge in Salt Lake City to overturn the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage, something the judge cannot do. In arguing against Gunter and Kohl’s desire for a polygamous marriage, the state pointed to harms and abuses within polygamous communities “which violates norms of gender equality and is rooted in deeply patriarchal principles.”

 Asking the judge to dismiss the lawsuit so it could never be refiled again, the Utah Attorney General’s Office also said Sevier’s laptop cannot give consent to marriage. “Furthermore, even if that were not the case, unless Sevier’s computer has attained the age of fifteen it is too young to marry under Utah law,” Wolf wrote.

I was all for Chris marrying his laptop until Utah made a very valid point. The computer is too young. Humans/computers have to be fifteen years old to marry in Utah, any younger and it can’t give consent. Considering most computers crap out around five-six it’s unlikely his is of age. If it is, go for it. Marry the fuck out of that computer and get off the internet so I don’t have to read about your dumbass anymore. But something tells me Chris’s browsing history is going to age his computer rather quickly.

I’m going to drop some knowledge on our straight fan base. I really hate to do this but I have to so here it goes…most of the time, anyone who is that anti-homosexual is homosexual. Just like that anti-gay reverend, or the anti-gay politician or the other anti-gay politician or the other other anti-gay politician. The list goes on and on. You know how else I know Chris is gay? Because no straight man would ever wear a skin tight MTV shirt while simultaneously rocking a foe-hawk with plucked eye brows. Sorry, it just doesn’t happen. Combined that with a burning hatred for non-breeders and we’ve got ourselves a deeply closeted gay man. Chris, if you’re reading this, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. June is pride month and it can be triggering but things will get better.

Also, how did we luck out with the month of June? It only has thirty days as opposed to the coveted thirty-one but I’m not complaining. Warm weather, everyone’s in a good mood for summer, and you can finally start drinking outside. Works for me. It’s way better than black history month, they only get twenty-eight. It would be tough to have a parade in that weather too. We’d still go it would just be a lot of more furs instead of thongs.

Follow me on Twitter: @BarstoolPAT

H/T Damo