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Orange County Helicopter Officers Warn Paddle Boarders About 15 Great White Sharks

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Talk about fucking scary. Can you imagine being out there on a paddle board and hearing the loudspeaker from a helicopter telling you there are 15 great white sharks in the water? I’d shit my boardshorts so fast it’d make your head spin. I’d get so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to remember if sharks were attracted to blood or poop. It’s a toss up. Stress can cause bloody stool sometimes so I’d be doubly fucked.

One time I was paddle boarding in Florida. I was cruising the high seas without a care in the world. I had a little mp3 player with me (don’t worry. it was water proof. Well, water resistant to like 25 feet. I wasn’t gonna swim that deep so it was fine) and I was singing Zac Brown Band at the top of my lungs. While I was paddling away, I noticed several schools of jellyfish. Yikes, right? I got so nervous about not falling on the Portuguese men-of-war that I fell right off the board. Luckily, I scurried back on the board and all was well. No one needed to piss on my legs or back that day. Knock on wood.

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So if I looked down from my board after hearing that terrifying message from the helicopter, I’d be toast when I saw some great white sharks circling me like, well… great white sharks.

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One great white shark in the water near you seems bad. A helicopter coming to tell you that there are 15 of those beasts swimming near you seems really bad. The only thing you can do is hope that Florida head football coach Jimmy Mcelwain comes to rescue you and humps all those sharks to death. Hero!

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Thanks, coach.