The Barstool Sports WrestleMania 33 Preview Extravaganza!
Greetings, grapplefucks! This Sunday, April 2nd, is the best day of the year. That’s right, it’s The Ultimate Thrill Ride™, WrestleMania, hosted by The New Day! I’m here to give you a preview of the whole card, top to bottom, along with my predictions for each match. This blog is aimed to tell you all you need to know about WrestleMania, whether you’re a die hard fan or you haven’t watched in years. Strap in, because this roller coaster of a blog is going to be a long one.
Goldberg (c) vs Brock Lesnar for the WWE Universal Championship
How we got to this match: Brock Lesnar and Bill Goldberg’s rivalry dates back to 2004, when the two faced each other at WrestleMania XX before both leaving the company for a number of years. Goldberg got the better of Brock in that match, which fans hated. Last year, Goldberg was featured in the WWE 2K17 video game, and during an appearance on ESPN to promote the game, had some choice words for Brock…
At Survivor Series, Goldberg shockingly defeated Lesnar with two spears and a Jackhammer in one minute and twenty four seconds. Brock immediately entered himself into the Royal Rumble match for revenge on Goldberg. In the Rumble match, Goldberg once again made Brock his bitch, and threw him out with ease. Paul Heyman challenged Goldberg to one last match with Lesnar at WrestleMania the next night, and he accepted. At Fastlane, Bill was granted a WWE Universal Championship match, which he won in :24 seconds. So Brock, while undeserving from a kayfabe standpoint, still gets his match against Billy Sweatface.
Winner: Brock Lesnar
Prediction: This is a very interesting match, because while I don’t think I care much about it, I’m super interested to see where they go with it. If I had to guess, it’ll be a short match where Goldberg immediately hits the spear and Jackhammer, only for Brock to kick out, take him to Suplex City, and get the win. Or, maybe they’ll go 47 minutes and receive ******1/4 from Melty Moo Moo.
Bray Wyatt (c) vs Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
How we got to this match: Jesus Christ. Alright, so in October, Randy Orton joined the Wyatt Family after he couldn’t get a win over them. It was kind of silly, but the angle was mostly good enough to make up for that. Luke Harper was doubtful of where Randy’s intentions were for months, but Randy would always take one for the team. Literally. They were a good tag team, and even won the SmackDown Tag Team Titles together. After losing those belts to American Alpha though, tension grew within the family. Randy Orton won the Royal Rumble match, granting him a shot at the WWE Championship at WrestleMania, and Bray Wyatt won the Elimination Chamber match, granting him the title itself.
Randy teased that he wouldn’t face Wyatt at WrestleMania, and they even had a new #1 contender in place, until he revealed it was all a ruse.
Yep, that’s right. The babyface turned face by burning down the grave of the heel’s dead sister. This magic wand thing was introduced right afterwards and I still have no clue what the deal with it is.
Winner: Randy Orton
Prediction: Randy Orton gets a win he doesn’t necessarily need after awkwardly hitting an RKO out of a Sister Abigail.
The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
How we got to this match: This one’s quick and easy! Roman Reigns threw The Undertaker out of the Royal Rumble, said “This is my yard now!”, and that was it! They looked at the sign, and the match was booked.
Winner: Roman Reigns
Prediction: I think this could very well be the most over match of the night and also Roman’s long overdue heel turn. Roman should blatantly cheat to win and retire The Undertaker here, because I’ve seen enough Old Man Taker for my liking and doing that would push Roman into heat he’s never gotten before.
AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
How we got to this match: AJ Styles was the reigning WWE Champion from September to January, when he lost that title to John Cena at the Royal Rumble. His rematch clause states he could have a 1 on 1 rematch for the title whenever he wanted, although Commissioner Shane McMahon kept putting that off. Even when John Cena lost his title at the Elimination Chamber, he got a rematch two nights later. Styles grew more and more tired of McMahon, and for a while, I didn’t know how they could spin this in a way that made AJ the heel and Shane the face. Well…
Shane then announced that AJ has an opponent at WrestleMania, and it’s him. This won’t be your ordinary Shane O Mac match, however. It’s a standard one on one match with rules enforced.
Winner: AJ Styles
Prediction: Shane has to do some insane bump, and with the spectacular stage built this year, it has to be off something there. So either AJ wins the match, and Shane gets the better of him in the aftermath, or we’ll see some sort of double countout when Shane drops an elbow off a roller coaster. I’m a little worried about him taking the Clash after he was badly concussed at Survivor Series, but that’s the glory of Shane McMahon matches. You get to feel real concern for him.
Chris Jericho (c) vs Kevin Owens for the WWE United States Championship
How we got to this match: This is the best built match by a longshot. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens started helping each other out in matches and tag teaming in the middle of last year. When Y2J helped Owens win the WWE Universal Championship, their teamwork went to the next level and they became best friends. Over the next few months, Jericho interfered in every one of Owens’ title defenses to help him out right when you thought they might break up. Even at Roadblock, when Jericho interfered and attacked Owens, it turned out to be a plan to end the match via DQ and keep the strap on his buddy. Chris then arranged the “Festival of Friendship” to celebrate all they’ve accomplished, and well…
Jericho’s interfere in Kev’s NEXT title match would prove to be much different, when his music distracted KO, causing him to lose the WWE Universal Championship in just 24 seconds to Goldberg.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Prediction: I don’t have some wild fun prediction for this one, because I’m just looking forward to it so much. If this gets the time it deserves, it’ll be an absolute masterpiece. This is my WrestleMania main event.
John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse
How we got to this match: Here’s a quick preface before I go into storylines: John Cena and Nikki Bella have been an on-screen couple on Total Divas and Total Bellas, two award winning reality shows on E!, for many years now. They’re a pretty mainstream power couple, I’d say. This was never acknowledged on WWE television until 2016.
John Cena, as I mentioned before, won his record-tying 16th World Championship at the Royal Rumble against AJ Styles. He was unsuccessful in defending said title in the main event of the Elimination Chamber pay per view, however. His run in the match was strong, and he eliminated The Miz, but couldn’t get the job done. A Battle Royal was held for #1 contendership on SmackDown when Randy bowed out of the Mania match, and Cena once again eliminated The Miz, who was sick and tired of John Cena. The Miz ran back into the ring, threw Cena over the top rope, and began a wonderful feud.
In other SmackDown angles, Nikki Bella had an ongoing rivalry with Natalya, where matches would often spill to the backstage area. On multiple occasions, Natalya threw Nikki into an unsuspecting Maryse, who eventually attacked “The Queen Of Strong Style”.
These two stories intertwined, and it’s been extremely captivating ever since. I knew it would be, because Cena and Miz are two of the best mic workers in the game, and Nikki is great at everything, but it’s a funny contrast from their 2011 feud which main evented WrestleMania.
Winner: John Cena and Nikki Bella
Prediction: The WWE’s real power couple is going to show these fake ass jealous haters who’s boss, then Cena’s going to get down on one knee and propose to the wonderful Nicole Bella. Maybe it’ll be so romantic I’ll cry. I’m sensitive. Hey ladies.
Triple H vs Seth Rollins in an Unsanctioned Match
How we got to this match: To be honest, I really, really, really haven’t enjoyed the build to Triple H vs Seth Rollins. I think Rollins has looked pretty horrible at every turn and is one of the worst babyfaces I’ve ever seen. But this Monday on RAW, a video package was shown for this match that made me reconsider everything, because it was so fucking rad. So instead of me explaining how we got here, let this video do the talking:
Nobody does video packages like the WWE.
Winner: Triple H
Prediction: This is a bold one! Everyone is expecting Rollins to go over in the long payoff, but I’ve spoken with a few friends about this, and I just can’t see it happening. Rollins will hit a pedigree onto his broken ass knee, not be able to cover, and Hunter will win. I think we’ll see interference from Samoa Joe and Finn Balor in this match.
Dean Ambrose (c) vs Baron Corbin for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
How we got to this match: These guys kinda just fuckin’ hate each other! Corbin smashed Ambrose’s ribs to bits with a forklift, and Ambrose used a TV remote to turn him off once! Grudge match, out for blood!
Winner: Baron Corbin
Prediction: It’s tough, because I think this could either be the sneaky show stealer, or a boring 12 minute slow Ambrose match. Ambrose vs Corbin is one that could benefit with very little time, making it a sprint.
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax for the WWE RAW Women’s Championship
How we got to this match: Do you guys have a few hours? No? Well, Sasha Banks and Charlotte have been feuding since I started emailing Barstool asking for a job, Bayley was thrown into the mix this Summer/Fall, and Nia was thrown in at the last minute because there’s only four women on RAW and they all had to get on the show.
Winner: Sasha Banks
Prediction: I think Sasha Banks will prove Charlotte correct and turn on Bayley in major fashion at the Show of Shows, kicking off a big feud between the two until it culminates at SummerSlam. Even though the tag match involving thee four was sloppy on Monday, I have faith that this will be strong.
The Club (c) vs Enzo and Cass vs Cesaro and Sheamus for the WWE RAW Tag Team Championships
How we got to this match: No true storyline behind this one, just a bunch of guys wanting the tag titles.
Winner: Enzo and Cass
Prediction: When the ladders came into play, with these three teams, none of which are known for highspots, I thought maaaaaaaaaybe the Hardy Boyz would be a surprise entrant. I don’t think that anymore, because I heard some info about their ROH contracts that will prevent that, and it’s Enzo and Cass’ time. #PrayForEnzo
Alexa Bliss (c) vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Naomi vs Carmella vs Natalya
How we got to this match: Another preface, this match was supposed to be on the Kickoff Show, and the fans spoke up and got that shit changed, which is pretty damn cool.
The SmackDown Women’s Division is miles above RAW’s, simply because of depth. RAW needs a few more call ups from NXT after Mania season. Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss led the division with a great feud for the majority of 2016, until Naomi stepped in and won the Women’s Championship this February. Mickie James returned, aligned with Alexa, turned on Alexa, things got messy, and we’ve got ourselves a good ole fashion scramble match.
Winner: Naomi
Prediction: Naomi’s return last week, and the fact that WrestleMania will be in her hometown make me believe she’ll take home the gold to a huge reaction on Sunday. This should be a great match.
Kickoff show:
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Winner: Braun Strowman
Prediction: BRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN.
Neville (c) vs Austin Aries for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
How we got to this match: After the hit series on the award winning WWF Network entitled “205 Live” brought in a Cruiserweight Division without him, Neville returned to television with a brand new attitude. He took the Cruiserweight Title right from Rich Swann, and now runs rampant as the “King of the Cruiserweights”. After multiple failed attempts at his championship purple, commentator Austin Aries declared himself the new contender…
Winner: Neville
Prediction: I don’t think the crowd will be into this one. Not because it’s a Cruiserweight match, but because Aries isn’t the right guy for the job. He hasn’t been consistently good since 2011, all of his WWE matches have felt like cruise control was on, and fans have no reason to cheer the guy! He just acts like an asshole all the time! Maybe the fans in attendance will ride on his ROH nostalgia and get super into it. I’m not sure. I hope Neville retains and Jack Gallagher is eventually the one to dethrone him.
That’s it for WrestleMania, folks! I’ll be there having the time of my life, living the dream, making towns, etc. Hope to see you there! Make sure you fill out your #BarstoolMania scorecards before the event, and enjoy The Ultimate Thrill Ride™, WrestleMania!