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I Am Weirdly Excited About the Raiders Moving to Las Vegas

Jerry Thornton
Jerry Thornton3/27/2017 6:35 PM

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I probably shouldn’t be happy that the NFL is voting to let the Raiders ditch Oakland (again) and move to Las Vegas. As much as mocking those cosplaying goobers in the Black Hole and will never forgive them for the vicious, cheap-shotting Raiders who made life as a Patriots fan miserable in my formative years, they are God’s children too. Yes, they make donkeys out of themselves in those stupid costumes and face paint. But they deserve a football team as much as any town. Not to mention, the city’s been bullied by Roger Goodell for not buying a member of his Inherited Wealth Pampered Billionaire’s Club a new stadium. So I should have some sympathy. But I don’t.

First of all, if any franchise was going to tear down the stupid wall separating the NFL from Vegas, it should be the Raiders. This move is pure Al Davis. As much as I hate the franchise, you can’t not love what Al Davis represented and call yourself a football fan. He was everything that is noble in the American businessman. A self-made guy. A founding member of the American Football League. A visionary who coached, GM’ed and was the AFL commissioner. A pioneer who refused to play in any city where his black players couldn’t stay in the team hotel. And a rebellious pain in the ass to the league who gave no fucks if the other owners or Pete Rozelle didn’t want him to move his team. Clearly when he made Mark Davis he only let loose with one nut. But you know this is a move he would approve of.

Second, I think I love the Raiders going to Las Vegas because I’m a fan of blatant hypocrisy, which is exactly what this is. Since it was founded in the 1920s, the NFL has gone to extremes to pretend Nevada doesn’t exist. League employees aren’t allowed in sports books. They literally have rules preventing game officials to set foot in Vegas unless their day job makes it mandatory (say, a convention) or it’s “an emergency.” (Note: Short of a plane being forced to land or a car breaking down on the way from Denver to LA, I can’t think of what emergency would take you to LA. A Gypsy curse than can only lifted by Carrot Top?) And two years ago the NFL Shame Walked Tony Romo for the crime of hosting a fantasy football event held in a tent next to a hotel. But when Vegas comes along with $1.9 billion to build a moment to wretched excess for one of their own? Then the place stops being Sin City and might as well be Bedford Falls.

Mostly I think I’m excited about the move because I can’t wait to see what happens to NFL players when they’re plunked down into a city that has no rules on a full time basis. When you put dozens of testosterone-fueled, rageholic, adrenaline monkey manchildren in a consequence-free environment, it promises non-stop fun, scandal and blogs that will write themselves. Not to mention it will give the Las Vegas Raiders the best home field advantage in the league. If I’m a visting coach, I’d book my hotel in Utah and bus my team to the game. But I know they won’t. And we as a nation will be grateful.

Go, Las Vegas Raiders. It has a nice ring to it. Al Davis approves.

@jerrythornton1


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Jerry Thornton
Jerry Thornton3/27/2017 6:35 PM