It's A Proud Day To Be A Malvernite After One Of Us Got Hit By A Train And Survived Yesterday
Newsday- A Long Island Rail Road train struck a vehicle that had gone past lowered crossing gates Monday morning at Franklin Avenue on the West Hempstead branch, the railroad said. Service was suspended in both directions after the 6:53 a.m. train from West Hempstead struck the vehicle at 7:13 a.m. just west of Malverne, the railroad said. The male driver of the vehicle was taken to a hospital where he was being treated for injuries that were not life-threatening, Long Island Rail Road spokesman Shams Tarek said. There were no injuries to passengers aboard the train.
It’s 7:09am yesterday morning. I had just awoken from my hibernation and was up and at ‘em within 15 minutes. A pop time like you read about. I was ready to suck the day’s dick like I always am. My class begins at 9:05am in Manhattan so I began my normal ride to the train at around 7:25am. Birds were chirping, cars were driving, bees were pollinating, town drunks were drinking. It was something out of an educational video from the 50’s on how to safely cross the street. My drive then took a turn for the worst.
A little fun fact about Malverne is that it’s only a square mile and the LIRR train goes directly through the middle of it. Another fun fact is that former talk-show host and Joseph Gordon-Levitt collaborator Tony mother fucking Danza is the pride of Malverne, but that’s neither here nor there. The train divides the town right in half as if it’s a mechanical version of Trump’s wall.
As I trekked down Hempstead Avenue (our main road) I noticed something was different. Cars were backed up like it was War of the Worlds. All I could see and hear were sirens in the distance. “What’s happening?” I thought. All I could do was reroute my mapquest Google Maps to the quickest route around the train tracks. I had wondered what happened all morning. Had Aliens finally come for us? Did Malverne Bakery run out of chocolate chip cookies? Did Tony Danza get into a boxing match with someone from a nearby town? Nope. It wound up that someone got hit by the goddamn train.
As if the LIRR wasn’t bad enough before with its seat capacity and rush hour trains, now it’s hitting people. Hitting someone with a train is like cheating. If you’re gonna do it you might as well go for a model, and if you’re gonna hit someone with a train you better kill ‘em. Too bad this particular train hit a Malvernite. We don’t go quietly into the night. We are a strong people. And I’ll tell you what, after this past week, we might become a vengeful people as well. Hit one of us, we hit 3 of you. Keep your head on a swivel, LIRR. We’re gonna strike when you least expect it. Might even have David Portnoy RT some gifs right in your face.