1) That he finished 55 out of 1,800 entries. The world’s best handicappers, all putting 1,500 dollars in the pot, and a Goldfish beat out all but 54 of them.
2) That we are somehow on only Larry II. I know there have been some conspiracy theorists out there saying that we’re actually on double digit Larry’s but let me ask you this, would we really have our Goldfish die and NOT use it for content? Larry II is like a cockroach. Dude spends his day eating, shitting, and fighting with the frogs. He’s fat as fuck and has a tank far bigger than any Goldfish deserves. He’s so cocky and full of himself because he knows he’s not dying any time soon. I think at this point Larry may outlive all of us. I would hate him if I didn’t respect how resilient he is. He’s beaten milk, a dysfunctional pump, some super green water, WAY too much chaw for a goldfish, and negligent owners. I’m convinced he can beat the Apocalypse.
3) That we avoided placing in the money by 1 single game and thus didn’t have a potential hairy legal issue on our hands. Little peak behind the curtains at Barstool HQ. Erika pulled me into her office a couple weeks ago and our lawyer was on speakerphone. Asked if it was true that we sold fake stock in a gambling goldfish. I had to explain to her that no it’s not fake and yes we will have to pay out all investors if Larry finishes in the money. Turns out that would have been a major headache and probably cost us hours of legal fees because we took zero steps towards issuing anything resembling legal stock options. So in a stroke of unbelievable good fortune Larry II finished one single game out of a 5 figure payday. It was a great run and we can’t wait until next year. He’ll be in the contest in 2017 and we’ll obviously be issuing stock again, next year is the year, I can feel it.
Now it’s time to get my turtle racing idea off the ground. I told Erika I want to get a minimum 6 turtles and have them race for money on Facebook Live every Friday. We’ll take action from viewers and people in the office. Create our own TVG for turtles. She just laughed and walked away, I think she thinks I’m joking.
A Starbucks Barista winning the whole thing is a straight out of a Hollywood script. Good for that guy. Hopefully he can quit his job and stop listening to people say sizes in Italian like absolute douchebags.