"Wish I Was Up In That Ass" Texts: A Barstool Sports Investigation
So yesterday morning, I saw this tweet which was supposedly a love letter written by Dr. Dre to his wife back in 1995. Assuming its real, its actually pretty cool. He explains how they were scouting out the desert for the California Love video and how they stumbled across Burning Man and had no idea what it was. Anyway, the most important part of it was the sign off:
Wish I Was Up In That Ass. Poetry. Theres really only like one type of dude on the planet that can pull off a love letter sign off like this, and thats a rapper from the West Coast in the 90s. So what do we decide that Stoolies – a legion of mostly awkward white people – are going to do? Text their significant other “Wish I Was In That Ass.”
The results from this experiment were, in a word, scintillating. We laughed. Girls cried. We learned that girls get very confused by pronouns such as “that” and “whose.” And we ended up talking about a lot of butt stuff. The results:
This was the first wave of reactions from chicks. “Um what?” What do you mean, um what? I think its pretty clear what it is I’m talking about. I wish I was up in that ass. Dont over complicate things.
Hey Asian Girl From Bar, what did I JUST say??? I JUST said not to overcomplicate things. You put me in a fucking pretzel with this response. Which ass?? How many you got, girl? Ass 1 and Ass 2? Do you have like a first string ass and a second string ass on the bench? You got asses like Cleveland Browns quarterbacks??? And it wasnt just Asian Girl From Bar:
And there you have it, folks. The biggest road block of this experiment for girls? The word That. Not confusion over whether we’re talking about literally getting inside your ass or figuratively getting in that ass. Not the fact that it was just a blatant, blunt request to fuck. The biggest hurdle for girls is understanding the noun and verb agreement. My ass? Her ass? Which ass? Whose ass are you wishing you were in? Hey girls – you know how we say you always overcomplicate things? Example 1A.
At this point you’re probably thinking “KFC this experiment was a complete FAILURE.” Not so fast my friend! *Lee Corso Voice* Some girls were down to let you all up in that ass:
Wendy! HOW YOU DOIN!
This chick was so Orkney she couldnt even text straight.
Jesus fucking Christ! Id say thats a green light, brotha.
Some girls were just shocked:
Shocking! Can you believe there’s actually a person out there named Arthur?? Some girls were perplexed:
No, its just that we’re always thinking about getting up in that ass. No pics necessary.
Some girls were cocky:
Some girls were horrendously honest during this exercise:
Hey ladies how about you just play along with this goddam sexting game and stop talking about farts and periods? Thanks.
Yikes!! Talk about your all time backfires! Hope you enjoyed the Barstool Experiment dude. And I hope you enjoyed getting pegged by your girlfriend for her birthday.
That entire Tinder convo was TENS.
It wasnt just guys sexting girls either. Some girls dove in, like this girl who texted a French dude who barely knows english:
This French dude really, really thought this girl wanted to butt fuck him.
Married folks got involved:
Hey at least she gave you the green light to JO. Wont have to hide in the bathroom with porn on your iphone with the volume on one stick going back and forth from watching the screen to holding the speakers up to your ear.
Some girls just went with a good old fashioned “No”
Some got absolutely OBLITERATED via text:
I mean that one actually made me feel bad. Brutal. He hit her with Wish I Was In That Ass and the shrugging stick figure. Thats getting hit by a digital train. Just blatant disrespect.
Some girls were down but absolutely terrified of ending up on Barstool:
And some girls did it for America:
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly from Wish I Was Up In That Ass. Just as good, if not better than Real Talk Are You Horny? I think we legitimately changed the course of history:
Join us next time, for another edition of Barstool Sports Investigations.