An Open Letter To Canada

World Cup Of Hockey 2016 - Canada v United States

Dear Canada,

I hope this letter finds you well. Now please do me a favor. Take a couple steps back away from the screen of your computer/phone/iPad/whatever device you’re using and, in the words of my esteemed colleague Charlie Kelly…


Everybody in THE United States of America.

Listen. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t hate Canada. I just think they are the not as popular, not so great, less handsome version of the United States. Basically they are to the United States what Donnie Wahlberg is to Marky Mark. Does that mean Mark doesn’t love Donnie? Of course it doesn’t. They’re still brothers regardless. But let’s call a David Spade a David Spade here. I think Canada is great. The people, the cities, not the currency, but definitely the poutine. Just not tonight. Tonight, Canada is the enemy. Tonight, Team Canada might as well be captained by Osama Bin Laden. Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world. Or at least we can only hope so.


Oh. In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, we’re talking World Cup of Hockey. USA v Canada tonight at 8 on ESPN. A loss tonight and Team USA is as dead as love after Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie broke up. Good news for Team USA? They were built to beat Team Canada. Seriously. Not necessarily to win the whole thing, but just specifically to beat Team Canada. Like, Tortorella has even come out and said that this is their championship game.


Honestly… that’s a pretty great Spin Zone from our boy Torts. Now no matter how Team USA finishes in this tournament, he can still say they made it to the championship. Sure it’s not necessarily the greatest look since your championship game should be, ya know, the actual final of the tournament. But still. Can’t hate on a good spin zone and that’s why Torts gets paid the big bucks.

Luckily he learned from his mistake against Team Europe and has decided to bring Dustin Byfuglien back into the lineup for tonight. So at the very least, at least the Americans can hurt a few Canadians by the final buzzer. For some reason Torts is sticking with Jonathan Quick in net even though anybody with have a brain knows that the best way to protect freedom, liberty, and the back of the net is with Cory Schneider’s pads.


But we won’t rush too Quick to judgment on this decision. This game has been 20-years in the making. If you bleed red, white, and blue, then join me in our quest tonight against those syrup guzzling, mooseback riding, overly polite bastards. Time to throw on some Herb Brooks pre-game speeches from now until that first puck drops. Let’s fucking rock.


P.S. – Torts scratched Dubinsky and Jack Johnson for tonight’s game. Both play for him in Columbus. I’m just really hoping he made that decision because he realizes the Blue Jackets STINK and not because he thinks this game is going to be a blood bath and wants to protect his guys.