I always upgrade my iOS the minute I can. Partially because I’m someone that hates any time one of my apps has a red badge on it. Partially because I always need to be on the cutting edge of technology (hence why I work at Barstool). And as someone that has about 2.5 hours to kill each morning and night, I spend a lot of time on my phone (and run the gross kind of train on my data plan). So I went ahead and upgraded for those reasons and of course #ForTheBlog.
Here are the most important features I’ve learned about so far:
1. You can kill most of the shitty default Apple apps
First off fuck your Tips and the clique you claim! Now truth be told I have only deleted one app so far because I am savoring this day like a legit psychopath murder. But it felt sooooo good killing Stocks.
Next up we address the most important feature change. Not because it’s groundbreaking, but because it will cause you to go fucking insane. Instead of swiping to unlock your phone, you will now just press the home button. Which is a million times easier and I love it in principle. But again, since Apple has us all trained like a bunch of monkeys, we will swipe for at least 3 months and curse at the sky every single time.
3. Swiping actually brings you to some interesting shit
All those times you are cursing at the ghost of Steve Jobs because you swiped and just wanted to unlock your phone, you will at least be brought to some useful stuff. Most of it are the widgets that were in your pull down menu when you swiped down, which will cause you to say “One day I gotta set those up and actually use them.” You never will. Swiping the other way takes you to the camera, which is pretty important for anyone trying to quickly grab a viral picture/video. And swiping down sends you to all your notifications that you either missed or told yourself that you would unsubscribe from. You never will.
I think Spags said it all.
5. You can become an organ donor!
Oh sweet, now the paramedics can check my phone and say “This guy is an organ donor, lets just let him die and save a bunch of other, more important people’s lives”! Fuck you Health app. You were already getting app murdered next. I may kill you before I finish writing this blog.
And become an organ donor, guys. We can save lives together.
Remember that ex that was way out of your league but loved you for you before you screwed everything up? Or when you used to be skinny? Or when life was 1000 times easier? You are about to once you hit the Get Started button! No thanks, Apple. Timehop is already depressing enough.
Just kidding, Siri is and forever will be trash.
Sorry Apple, I’m officially Google Maps for life. Fool me a billion times, shame on you.
9. The Home App
An app designed for all the fancy people that can afford things like smart thermostats and lightbulb. For people like myself and I imagine most people in the blogging community, we do not have to worry about such things.
10. Raise to wake up
You pick up your phone, the screen turns on. Go on, try it. Fucking awesome, right? Best feature of all-time (I’m a simple man with simple tastes).
11. New emojis
Most of you guys are just here to see what emojis are in the new update. That’s why I put them last on the list. Kinda like grocery stores putting milk in the back of the store so you have to walk through the entire store to get what you need.
The first thing that jumps out at me is that this should have probably come out before the Olympics, since basically every summer Olympic sport is covered and we won’t care about them for another four years.
– The gun is now the squirt gun. I’d love to go into a hate-filled rant about this. But the resident hater of Barstool already covered this perfectly.
– Part of me says that the emoji creator wanted a rower, fisherman, or Fredo Corleone. Part of me says he’s in the middle of a storm he knows waves are crashing over his tiny little boat there. Maybe you did what you had to do to get out.
So those are the biggest features in the new iOS. Or at least the ones I know about. It’s pretty funny that nothing I read has anything to do with the actual PHONE part of the iPhone. But who the hell uses their smartphone to talk on the phone? I’m still surprised you can’t delete the Phone app to be honest.
And despite all these shiny new features, there is no fucking way I am buying a newer model iPhone until they bring back the headphone jack or the wireless headphones are actually good and inexpensive.