Paul Allen Is The World's Saddest Billionaire

Goddamn. I actually feel kind of bad for that man who’s worth 17.2 billion dollars and owns multiple professional sports franchised. Paul Allen is as distraught and dejected as it gets right there: just a sad, old, rich dude staring out into the abyss looking for some kind of help before realizing he’s doomed. I think the guy is on the verge of tears, for god’s sake. It goes to show you that sports are the great equalizer: doesn’t matter if you’re worth 17 billion dollars or 17 dollars, losing hurts deep down in places you didn’t even know you could hurt. Losing makes you feel like you lost a loved one and you’re an old dude sitting in the nursing home remembering Gertrude’s scent then you realize she’s never coming home.

Sports are almost as good of an equalizer as the internet. The internet doesn’t give a FUCK about you. Four days ago the only reason people googled Paul Allen was to marvel at his wealth, admire his yacht, or praise his charitable contributions. Then Steph Curry gives your team 17 points in an overtime, you make a stupid face, and everything you’ve ever done becomes second fiddle.

Paul might want to give MJ a call to figure out how to deal with this feeling, he’s the only other guy who’s had a life’s worth of amazing accomplishments washed away by a moment of weakness. Sucks, but welcome to the internet. Shouldn’t have given us all computers, idiot.

PS

Good looks on this guy with the binoculars. Lord knows you need that kind of technology when you’re sitting like 10 rows off the court. That Jumbotron is so fucking far away.