Chris Christie Clarifies That He, In Fact, Is Not Being Held Hostage By Donald Trump (Wink, Wink)

So he’s definitely being held hostage, hundo p. That speech was something straight out of a movie where the hostage is reading straight from the script so the evil dude doesn’t blow up his entire family. And Trump picked the perfect pawn. Likable, jovial, fat ass Chris Christie. The guy that will get Trump the New York/New Jersey votes, the fat people vote, the hot dog lovers votes, you know, all the important ones. And when Trump is done with Christie he’ll spin it that Chris is a dope, an idiot, and was terrible for the state of New Jersey. He’ll then find another pawn, probably someone from California, and hold his family hostage until he gets all those votes. What we’re watching right now with Trump is incredible. Might as well start practicing the new National Anthem.

“Cowardice, are you serious? Apologies for freedom — I can’t handle this! When freedom rings, answer the call!”On your feet, stand up tall! Freedom’s on our shoulders, USA! Enemies of freedom face the music. Come on boys, take them down! President Donald Trump knows how to make America great. Deal from strength or get crushed every time.”

Real talk: I still can’t get over the fact that ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT WASN’T A MOVIE! Little girls did a song and dance about “President Donald Trump” about crushing our enemies. If you changed the USA references to North Korea and put it into the Team America movie, would anyone know the difference? Deal from strength or get crushed every time! Hail Trump! Wait what?

Now dance, my muppet, dance, or you’ll never have a complex carb again!