Study Shows That Nobody Sleeps Better Than White People

(Source) — Race and ethnicity also tend to correlate with sleep. Nobody sleeps better than white people, according to the CDC report; 54 percent of non-Hispanic blacks get sufficient sleep, about 12 percent less than whites. “What is likely going on is probably explained by demographic composition,” Hale says. “Densely populated neighborhoods might have more noise and light. African Americans compared to whites are more likely to live in those neighborhoods.” On top of that, Hale says there are a lot of stressors that non-white communities disproportionately feel that can influence sleep. “There are concerns about racism, not being able to feed one’s family, relatives being incarcerated,” she says. “One needs to feel safe. If you don’t have that internal feeling of security whether financial, physical or emotional, it will be harder to fall asleep.”

Bam! Finally, the whites get something we naturally do better than everyone. Black people are good at sports, Asian people are good at math, Hispanic people are good at speaking Spanish, and we’ve always kinda just… been. Really nothing extraordinary about white people at all. Think about it, if I were to ask you what are white people REALLY good at, what would you say? Making cucumber sandwiches? Using sunscreen? We’re jacks of all trades, masters of none. Need a bench guy or help with long division? Call a white dude. Anything more than that? Eh, I have an ethnic kid I went to school with, try him. We’ve never really had anything to hang our hats on. Now we’ve got it, sleeping. We’re the best fucking sleepers the world has ever seen. You give me a cot and I’ll get a full 11 hours out of it, I promise you that. Sleeping, white folks murder at it. Best goddamn sleepers ever.

I guess presidencies and the Fortune 500 are things we’ve dominated at too, but I’m most proud of the sleeping.