From The Diabolical Minds That Brought You Last Week's "Kill A Classic Hip Hop Album" Question Comes This "Kill A Classic Food" Hypothetical
I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think this question is even harder than last week’s “Kill A Classic Hip Hop Album” hypothetical. Just four first ballot Hall of Famers to choose between. I can’t believe we have evolved to the point as a species where we throw these brutal decisions around at each other for entertainment. But that’s how Darwin said it works.
Now I see pizza as the Ready To Die option here. When push comes to shove, it is clearly the GOAT. In fact, think I would choose pizza over immortals like sports and sex. That’s the level of love I have for pizza. I think the only thing that beats pizza in my eyes is the Internet. Internet conquers all. Anyway, moving along.
Next up is burgers. In my eyes, pizza is Ryu from Street Fighter 2 while burgers is Ken. Similar in awesomeness, but Ryu is foreign greatness while Ken is American. I’ve gone entire weeks eating nothing but burgers for lunch and dinner and not even batted an eyelash about it. May have batted a few belt loop sizes, but definitely not an eyelash. Burgers are a staple to any true American’s diet.
Now for a lot of people, this question comes down to wings vs. tacos. For me personally, it’s a no-brainer. Wings are the perfect football food at a bar. Just devouring them like a savage while slugging down beers. The heat even gets you and the people you are with to drink more, which means eating wings could help you get laid. I love tacos and the phrase/unofficial weekly holiday Taco Tuesday with all my heart. But wings vs. tacos is an apples and oranges debate, with wings being apples because apples are much better.
Or if you want to take it back to Street Fighter 2 comparisons, wings are Guile (a strong but secondary American option) while tacos are Blanka (a very solid choice from South America but still not as good as the other three).
I think the best way to decide this is to order all four foods during today’s NFL games and see what you like most. This is America, land of the free and home of all the best foods on Earth. Nothing says freedom like indulging in a food orgy as you watch gladiators battle on a 100-yard football field. Do it for Uncle Sam, if nobody else.
And of course, just like last time, Barstool is a democracy. So I have put it up to a vote. If “our new alien overlords” made us get rid of one of these foods, which would you choose? And no, you cannot say the celery and carrots.